In the Depths
September 3rd, 2024
At Night
I'm twenty-four and depressed, and therapy doesn't appeal to me. All my relationships---friends, lovers, family---seem to go down the drain because of how insufferable I am. I'm aware of it, so much so that spending time with others makes me hate myself even more. My only peace is when I'm completely alone.
I have enough money to buy a motorcycle. I want to ride a motorcycle at night and feel the wind whip around me. But all my life I can only do what other people tell me to do.
Downfall Again, Again (Again)
Another emotional roller coaster today.
My friend cut me off---ghosted me---because she said I was too insensitive about issues important to her. I'm afraid that she's right.
I left her off with a short parting message, and purged all my DMs. This is probably the last time I open up that much to someone. I thought I had found someone I could trust with who I am as a person, but it looks like that's not the case at all. I'm frustrated with her, and I'm frustrated with myself.
I guess, what I'm really saying here, is that, well, I just keep seeming to miss the mark of what makes a friend.
I'm not sure what other people want to see, but I'm certain---of my twenty-four years of life on this planet, that I still haven't seemed to find my people yet.
I've met women who believe it's awful for men to die alone. My heart goes out in compassion to those kind people, but frankly, I think some of us men really do deserve that sort of fate.
I won't be a narc anymore and assert that I'm that sort of man, but the blood is starting to ink my soul.
Buying a Motorcycle
Motorcycles are cheaper than therapy. They're more risky and dangerous, but I have my freedom to do so.
My cravings for a cigarette are still here. Even though I've "made it" and won that high-paying tech job, I still feel so ever empty. Do I deserve it? Do I deserve it if I were poor and on the street?
No more women. I'm tired of dealing with women. It's not that they're women---it's because I'm sexist.
I'm tired of trying to lie to myself and try to be a better person. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my consciousness terrorizing myself to act better, act kinder, and act nicer.
Isolation and Isolation
I feel like I still do not belong. Out here in Silicon Valley of all places. I felt like here among geeks and nerds I'd find company I get along with. And yet, here I am, in the same place.
It's me. The problem is me, it's still me, and it will still continue to be me.
What the hell do I do? I know my personality is just wrong and bad and all that, but what's the next step? How can I connect with the people around me? If I'm at fault, then what's the next step?
Throw myself off? That's clearly not productive. What should I do? Maybe it's time to just... be alone.