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I-Statements

January 30th, 2025

I went to another introductory therapy session today. She told me to try I-Statements as a way of expressing how I feel. The first thing that came to mind is: "I feel sad when I'm alive because I exist."

I turned off the Zoom call and then drove home in tears. I am broken.

But it's important to remember that because I feel a certain way doesn't mean I am those emotions and that those emotions should control me.

Emotional Unintelligence

I just realized - I don't know what I'm feeling most days. Most emotions. And my body is doing this to protect me.

Protect me from what though? Why would it suppress it's own emotions? Because I'd be suicidal if I let it all out? Perhaps. Or maybe I'd voluntarily hurt myself?

I'm not sure. But I sure as hell feel a lot of shame.

Dissociation Dissociation Dissociation

What's in the basket Mr. Dissociation? Hmm hmm hmm, open and see open and see. Oh! You don't recall? It's a big blank bunch of blanky bunch big blanky bunch nothing!

Look inside, how deep does it go? Do you know what's inside? I don't!

I feel sad when I treat myself this way and dissociate, what I need is for you to stop thinking in this way. I feel scared when I treat myself this way and dissociate, what I need is for you to stop and feel the emotions.

I feel lonely when I act like this. What I need is for myself to stop dissociating and feel the emotion. I'm tired. I feel really tired.

Hinge Failures

I have two Hinge dates set-up for this weekend. I want to cancel them. I want to cancel them so bad. I feel awful. I feel like jumping off now. Why? I feel this way because of the Hinge dates of course.

I need to not go. Because I'll ruin these poor girl's lives. Do you not see how much of an emotional wreck I am? Do you really think I deserve to be interacting with real human beings and affecting their emotional state? I feel like I'm just going to ruin these girl's lives and traumatize them. Add more to the landfill of traumatized human beings. Yay.

Or am I just trying to self-sabotage, because this is an actualy chance I'll be happy? I don't know. I really don't know.