I have no enemies
January 27th, 2026
I leave my apartment late, after sending a good morning text to C. I lay there in a daze. I received a nasty reply from E, saying that I was a horrible person for leading her on, and that if I saw anything from her perspective that there was no way I would have acted the way I did in good conscience.
I hop on an e-bike and head to the train station. I take it down to work and start answering Slack threads. There's a quiet rumbling in my mind, an unease, that it's quite true that I was a total asshole for dating multiple girls and not letting them know. I know in my heart that I should have told them earlier, yet I didn't. Possibly because I didn't want to suffer the consequences, but possibly because there's a chance and choice for me.
It's true. I am a vile sort of human being like that, but pragmatic. I think I see myself as someone just playing the game.
But I'll leave vile, moral, evil, and all those judgemental words to God, or to the people around me. They are free to judge me and decide my character. It is not my business what I am to them. I am accountable for the way I make people feel, and not the way people feel. If they needed this information then they should ask to make sure. I am not here to babysit other people.
I think that dating is a dangerous thing, and that trust is a dangerous thing. I have been backstabbed a lot in my life, and I realize that I will continue to do so.
I am worried about the "friend" of whom I disclosed my political views to. It's quite obvious he holds a grudge against me because I hold nihilistic viewpoints that disagree with his framing of the world. If he "leaks" my political views then by all means my work life could be ruined. I suppose he has that power over me.
It's true. I'm afraid. I'm confused. I'm feeling awful about myself. Yeah. And I can sit with that, can't I? It's true.
I do feel like I didn't do anything wrong, but that's a judgement call. I do think that I am a product of the systems and forces acting on me, and perhaps it's a bit detached a cruel. How do I build virtuous systems, and can we exist as actors that never do wrong?
I am only human. It's true. And while that sounds like a cop out, it's simply true. I am human. And I very well can do wrong. And by every living breath I take, I will continue to do wrong.
It's not my fault, but it is my responsibility and accountability to right the wrongs, and to move towards a more productive process and method.
I think the negative feelings and stress that I feel in my soul is telling me something, it's telling me that I'm not accepting who I am and my politics. I am denying it and lying to myself to live in this society that's becoming more dangerous and violent by the minute.
It is good that I started to realize my politics and my nature. It's true, there's a dark Machiavellian shadow in my undercurrent. Yes, I do think that financial power is important. I do think that manipulating others and not acting the same around others is incredibly important.
That there are different times for different acting. I should stop framing it as if I were evil, and start framing it in a way that justifies myself.
Because simply, I am simply the resultant actions of a system that's formed me. I am not at fault for who I am, but I am an actor with responsibility for shaping who I am to become.
When I become so certain the world looks a certain way is when it's dangerous. When did I forget Wittgenstein's words? Language games? That that which is true and that which our sense are affected by the language we inhabit. It's all the grammars of our systems of birth, and of all the resultant determinisms that surround our perceptions.
Of infinity.
What I am trying to say here is that I am simply as I am. It's not that I am dark or evil, it's that I simply see the world as such and think a strongman approach isn't without a warranted thought.
I am saying that there is reason for everything, and to have compassion and sympathy and understanding for everyone. There is likely a particularly good reason for why a politician does something, and until that is investigated and understood in good faith, there's no political discussion to be had.
It is simple as this, I believe that everyone has a good heart with good intentions. And who am I in the time of now to sit and judge which way to go? There are only ways of internal harmony I suppose. I cannot sit down and say that right and wrong is the color of blue or red.
Of language as a power structure.
I still solidly stand by the phrase: "Hitler was human." It means that we should be careful of what we are to become, to also recognize that we are all capable of evil, and that no evil man sees themself as evil, only good.
Intellectualization and politics as a shield
What's really happening inside, and what's really feeling inside, is that I am scared. And that I am afraid. And that I am frustrated and angry at the world. I am saddened by my job, lost, lonely, and all the above.
It is all that I feel, and that is okay above all. I think it's okay.
People may say one thing, and it's true, but why do I let them have that influence over me? I can choose what I believe.
I have every right to choose what I believe, and I can hold any boundary that I want. Nobody can change the words in my head, though my words may utter a different tongue, I have every right not to lie to myself.
I hate politics, I hate talking about the nonsensical shit, and above all I think the power struggles will continue until the end of time.
I went to play Top Golf with my friends A and K today, but I notice more and more that they are disengaging with me. We don't have good conversation. I don't seem to enjoy their company anymore, and I cannot for the life of me understand why.
I have decided to move on forward with my life. This is my boundary. My boundary is politics. My boundary is my ability to be apathetic.
I don't want to vote. That's enough for me to not vote. Now if you hold a gun to my head and tell me to vote, I will vote. But not voluntarily.
Therapy, a framing
My boundary is discussion regarding politics. I draw the line there, and I do not want to talk about it anymore. I feel stressed and shaken when talking about politics, and I do not want to feel stressed and shaken.
Others around me may try to pressure and force me to feel, but it's my body and my right. No is enough. I can set my boundary to say "No!"
What really matters
Sometimes, I forget what really matters.
The people beside me. The relationships I build. The smell of roses. The waves washing up against the shore. The nature. The trees.
What is meaningful and matters... sleep.