How's Life
October 26, 2022
Gosh I just hate my life. I don't know what to do anymore.
What'd I give to get married and have kids. Bam. Meaning in life. I guess? I've been told it's not that way. But how am I supposed to know without experiencing it myself? That's what I really don't get.
I've been told I'm an incel for wanting to get married. It's a hard life out there. I implore you to try and change the world, whoever is reading, to a better place. One where regular old joes like me can coexist without feeling threatened all the time.
See, in old times when people feel threatened, to start to fight and brawl it out. Violence. But nowadays, there's no outlet like that. No form of genuine expression.
I don't see why I have to validate my opinion to anyone though. I'll say it. I think my future wife would give me meaning. Much more meaning than I'm experiencing now. Is that such an incel thing to say? I guess so.
Okay, so how's life. Stop talking about that shit Lanhful
Yeah. So I'm probably going to be working in big tech. I made it in. Hurray.
I did fuck up an interview though. I think for two reasons: 1. I had a lot of angry energy from last night. Bad news. And, 2. I assumed incorrectly what he was looking for regarding experience in my resume. I wrongly assumed that he wanted to hear big picture explanations of my resume. That just sounded like I was bullshitting. What he really wanted to hear was technical prowess and accomplishments.
He also didn't appreciate that I talked for way too long to say nothing of value, apparently. I can tell. I'm mildly empathetic.
I think it'd be better to not assume anything and try to pry what the employers are looking for. See if they communicate it in their body language. Just because they're higher up or in a different department doesn't mean they're looking for you to empathize with their work. That comes off as dishonest. It's kind of like making football analogies teaching math to a footbal player. Bleh. It comes off as gross and condescending.
Okay. How about I just be myself? Instead of manipulating other people's opinion of me to be better. How about that. Just be myself, and validate my own decisions and make my own decisions. I think that's enough for me.
How about I just stop caring about what other people think about me? If you got a problem, why don't you square up? I'll deal with you. Why don't you show me how it's done? Huh?
Kayaking, maybe?
I like going outside. Seeing nature. How about I go outside and kayak for some time? Or go bouldering. I don't know. I don't think I have friends rich enough or close enough to do things like that.
I like hiking. I'd like to live in a city where I can go hiking.
But I feel dragged down by my mother. I feel like I have to me her emotional support. She's going to breakdown if I'm not nearby... you know? I'm in one of those situations.
She's emotionally insecure. Very insecure. She's very sensitive to anything and everything and she's been validated for that all her life because she's a small dainty woman. Which is fine. It's just, I don't want that to be my problem.
It shouldn't be. I shouldn't be emotionally regulating my mother. That's insane. If anything, I should be financially supporting her but never ever should I ever be her base. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult for me to just leave.
I don't understand it. I won't understand it. I'm just frustrated by it. Can I just have my success? Why do I have to worry about the emotional state of my mother and father? They should be fine. My father should be able to control her. I don't know.
Okay, now that I've gathered myself
I want to write a blog. A new blog. This is my vent blog where I rant about how shitty my life is and how angry I am at the world.
I'm going to start a tech blog where the goal is to almost over-simplify. I read too many technical blogs discussing technical concepts covered in what seems to me unecessary jargon. Gwern is a great example. Gwern is awesome, has great new ideas, but has this academic journal rhetoric and diction that obfusicates my understanding.
Yes, that's a me problem. So what? If I'm having that problem understanding and having to take time to read a sentence five times over, chances are someone else out there is doing the same. Taking new, advanced ideas and presenting them in simplified language. And, of course, having new ideas would be great.