How to Live
March 19th, 2025
If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgment now.
- I broke production today with a silly mistake.
- I went to therapy and did EMDR. I learned more about my parents.
- I sat awkwardly at the lunch table and didn't really say much.
- I agreed to play two-hand touch football on Sunday. I don't want to, because I'm insecure.
- I told my therapist I'd write down my dreams.
- I feel unproductive at work.
- I started reading Meditations to try and get control of my inner turmoil again.
- I didn't get well-rested last night - my friends invited me to stay up late.
Amor fati, a "love of fate."
Aurelius writes in his Meditations not to focus on rhetoric, oratory, or any of the flower abstract questions. I am starting to understand what he meant by that, and that it is a poor use of time considering we have so little allotted to us. Seneca had written "life is short."
Am I committed to loving my life? Or am I only interested in the idea?
Q&A
Am I committed to loving my life? Or am I only interested in the idea?
Loving my life means that when I wake up in the morning, and I climb out of bed, I think to myself, "Today is going to be a wonderful day." It means that when I stand up and go to the bathroom, I look in the mirror not with a forced glee, but with a sense of happiness shining on my face. I can smile at myself in the mirror in truth.
It means that when I hop in the car and drive to work, I listen to Japanese shoegaze attentively and hear the notes vibrating, the minor chords striking, and I hear the strumming of the bass and tapping of the drums. I feel it in every soul and inch of my body, and I lose myself in the moment, not thinking about the ifs buts or whens about the future day. I am in the moment, enjoying every moment of listening to music on my Spotify playlist.
When I take a step outside of my car, I take note of the pavement, the smiles of the security. I wave my badge in thankful I don't have to take my id out of my wallet. I park and step out of my car to admire how clean everything is, and how clean the world is that I live in. Thankful for all the hard work that so many people can productively do in our capitalist society. I head to the door to badge in, and I walk inside the elevators. They come down in a timely manner, and I stand side by side with my coworkers happy as can be.
It means that when I write code, I am engaged in the problem for what it is. I think it's an interesting business-case problem, and I can tackle it head on. I feel it in my bones that what I'm working on is meaningful, and that someone is going to care about it. I think and think and think, and I think that someone will be interested in what I'm looking at.
I think that I can save the company money doing this, and that the people around me will care. Actually, no, it's that even if the people around me didn't care, that I would care enough to find my work meaningful. That I'd find enjoyment in typing and tapping away at solutions at which I feel I am challenged to execute at.
I tap and tap, engrossed in the code, and realizing exactly what needs to be done. I feel great about it!
I get lunch with my coworkers, and I thoroughly enjoy their presence. I enjoy it and want to talk with them more, to learn about who they are and what they are, and to be supportive for their lives. I want to be that supprot because I am committed to loving my life. That would be what life-affirming behaviour would look like. I'd want the best for the people around me, because this world is so wonderful and can continue to be so wonderful.
I'd go home feeling relieved, and I'd go home enjoying what I have.
Am I committed to loving my life? Am I committed to loving my life, knowing that it could be gone? Am I committed to loving any life that I live, no matter what? Even if my day were completely different compared to that?
Am I committed to being a software engineer? Or am I only interested in the idea?
Is it for ego purposes? For respect? I think it's for respect. I am interested in the idea of being highly respected and highly influential - and I think that's my ego talking. I do want to make an impact and make a difference, and I think that's why I want to be a better software engineer.
I realize that that's not exactly the case - that's not exactly commitment to being a software engineer. I think that's okay. I don't really care if I'm a great software engineer or not.
And that's okay. It's okay if I am not committed. What matters is that I'm truthful.
I don't think I can be committed to being "a good software engineer," but I can be committed to "helping our company and users."
I don't think I can be committed to being "a gazillionaire," but I can be committed to "making a large impact on the world."
The question is - why am I writing good code? For what purpose? Why exactly?
I think Naval put it plainly - it's leverage. Writing code has the highest impact of anything because it's symbols of automation. We want to write good code so that automation is maintainable in the case state breaks.
What do I like? What details can I get muddled in?
I'm saying that I shouldn't be lost in the big picture. To dive deep. To really see the technical details and sound them out against all possibilities.
I want to make a difference in the company. And I want to make a sustainable difference.
It doesn't matter what other people think of me - I can't control that. I can only control how I behave going forward.
I am too reliant on external validation, it's been so long since I've had actual friends I trusted. I understand it now.
I have a choice over what I think?
Have I been conscious ever since my epiphenomenalism episode?
I just realized that I haven't really sat down and focused ever since my epiphenomalism episode. That I was convinced that the right thoughts would come by intuition after exercising and eating right.
What in the hell was I thinking - sure there may be some influence in the hormones and chemicals raging in our bodies, but our pre-frontal cortex should have processing power.
Holy shit. I haven't been thinking this whole time. I've been on fucking autopilot. Oh shit. Fuck!
I realize, when was the last time I really sweated at what I was doing, academia-wise? Holy shit!!!
This is a good thing that everyone at work thinks I'm incompetent and that it looks bad (okay not everyone,) but still in my opinion this means I am learning very quickly not to base my ego on my work. I'm not basing my identity on what other people at work think of me. I'm starting to base my ego on what I think of myself, and that is the right way to go because it is the most stable form.
It is of human nature to move towards nature, and it is of unhuman nature to move toward chaos.
If tomorrow I join the military, I will still have myself.