History, Service, and How I Feel
July 14th, 2024
Shots were fired at former President Donald Trump yesterday. It's a bit scary to live in these times. An actual assassination attempt, like JFK and Reagan. Shinzo Abe was also assassinated recently too.
Historically, this will be a turbulent time in the history books. Sure, zoom out enough, and it's a small blip in history and all that, but I want to take in the time to soak the immediacy of it. I'm beginning to realize that the comfort of modern irony that characterized the millennial generation and 2010s could only have been so in a time of comfort.
We can't afford irony anymore. Times are actually getting bad. You can laugh in meta-sense about the role you have to play in life until you're faced exactly with life-threatening consequences.
Service
I'm reading a moral capitalist book, or should I say a book about profound Jewish wisdom. I'm not anti-semitic in the slightest, though I am curious about the disproportionate success of Jewish families across the world.
The book is titled Thou Shall Prosper by Daniel Lapin. Lapin is a spiritual leader who is contentious and controversial. Looking through at his associations on Wikipedia is interesting (he is swept up in a controversy of some sort.) Though who is without fault.
The book more importantly makes me think about what it means to love. I've always considered myself to be a cold and dead person inside after my experience being parented by my parents. But I'm beginning to recognize a gift they've given me. They've given me stalwart discipline to tackle on life's challenges, and an inordinate sense of delayed gratification by forcing me to do things I don't want to do without a single complaint.
Auto-didacticism and delayed gratification are core tenets of Jewish success. But the last pillar my parents did not instill into me was: service. To love means to serve in Hebrew. I did not know this, but knowing this now solve my final block in what makes a person charismatic and approachable.
If we could all care for one another in this social contract, to serve one another without expecting anything in return, we would find ourselves in an incredibly wealthy world.
Extending this idea, I realize that the wealthiest societies are also the most ethical. An ethical society that is unified by some -ism breeds a species of person that is willing to constantly give without anything in return. In doing so, the cycle builds on itself. Gifts upon gifts to bring wealth to the world.
Money is a token of gratification in this society. It's a new way of seeing the world paradigm. See first the people and the relationships of service, then the money overlays on top quite finely. Rather than thinking money is the vehicle of interaction between one another, see that it is humans interacting with one another's warmth and character and finally topping it with financial gratitude.
And, I realize how far America is from being wealth. I look to China as a prime example of unification under nationalism. Americans are no longer as nationalistic as they were before, and when they were and were proud, it's no wonder America became one of the wealthiest nations in the world.
The European Union respectively could be as large as America, but they are not unified. America has the luxury by unification of fifty states. Asia or Africa could have been the same, if they were unified they would be stronger than America. But they are not.
Revolt Against the Isms
I understand a lot of organized religions and ideologies put people off. They really do. Because, well, frankly, there are a lot of evils that are conducted within those spheres of organized places. Just think of the Catholic Church, Mormonism, patriotism, or even Buddhism.
I still think the isms are places where we naturally belong to. It's where we should stay. It's the natural order of human beings, and we should pursue those forms of organizations for strength and wealth.
We should persecute the evils and cancers within an organization, of course, but we should not outrightly deny the benefits they yield. Salt Lake City is one of the wealthiest cities on earth, and it is situated in a hot, shitty desert. Why? They have immense unity. Sure, there are a lot of issues wrong with Mormonism, but let's face it: wealth and goodness are abundant within the unity it provides.
Diversity
I read a book by Peter Thiel, titled Zero to One. He actually notes that the strongest startup teams are ones formed by individuals with the same set of values. Right down to the very hobbies they participate in (looking at the beginnings of Paypal.)
There is strength in unity and focusing on the defining features that bond and relate us together. I know with the current thought its in identity politick fashion to focus on the Blank-American terminology. Oh, I'm Danganronpa-American by the way! How strange is that.
Why say that? Why not realize that we are all Americans, and that we believe in crucial American values?
I am against identity politics in its entirety. I do believe that it's possible, for example, for a white male to say something relevant against or for "the system." It shouldn't matter the background of the individual, as long as the argument being made is in some logical or moral sense.
I'm tired of arguments made in pathos.
I understand the underpinnings of identity politics; minority groups still to this day continue to suffer under majority groups. Being a tall, white male disproportionately puts you at such a strong headstart. Just look at how all the popular YouTubers look! Hollywood! The majority of Americans like watching white men (strangely put, but yes.)
I don't know abstractly if there is a mode or system that helps defend minority groups. A representative democracy with an educated, ethical elite is the closest we will get. Unfortunately, we don't have an educated or ethical elite in this country.
The fact is: only a certain number of people can be wealthy. And frankly, people like people who are like themselves. The wealth gets shared towards... people who are like themselves. If the person belongs to a minority group, then you get groups like the Chinese Indonesians or the Ashkanazi Jews who will inevitably get perseucted but help one another out. If the person belongs to a majority group, see: white men in the United States and in Europe. Or, asian men in a respective East Asian country.
Equality of opportunity just... is going to be hard to come by. We all want a fair shot at getting rich. Frankly, equality is hard to observe in the natural world and the artificial world. It's hard to manufacture it! (If it's even possible? I wonder, is equality even possible? As in, is there an observable natural phenomenon that is actually truly equal? Or is it a bastardization of "fairness", of which monkeys and apes have an instinctive sense of?)
Again, strength is in unity. And we all have natural biases.
Freedom of Speech in America
I feel like freedom in speech in America has been seriously hindered. I can't speak out without the risk of me losing my job. Sure, in places like China, you'll be put in jail or even killed if you say the wrong things. But effectively, there are serious consequences for having an opinion.
It feels as if having a political opinion is just as seriously hindered in China as it is in America. Both will leave you in a situation you'd wish you'd never have to be in.
I sincerely do keep my mouth shut a lot about politics. I don't think I'm comfortable with the whole schtick in public.
A Media War
We're in the midst of a media war. Propaganda war if you say so. It's like culture victory in the Civ games, or like culture victory in the Spore civilization stage.
Being cognizant of it, and also being a part of a tech company that treats its users as green statistics in a deck of slides, I'm starting to realize the detriments of being chronically online.
Is YouTube content even as real as it gets anymore? I'm not sure consuming politics or any news is worth my attention anymore. We only get to live so many years after all.
My more worrying issues are here: inflation has increased prices dramatically, and I can't afford a home. Fuck the media!
I think back to the Jewish book. There's nowhere in there that says it's unethical to sway the masses by buying out media corporations and feeding them your worldview. Surely, it can't be true? Though, I wouldn't say it's necessarily evil if you believe you're doing the right thing and swaying the uneducated masses who are going to "tear this country apart for the worse." It's just frankly... insulting as the one targeted! Ergh!
The News
I'm going to stop watching it. I'm going to go serve my community instead. The actual news will reach my ears, anyway.
How I Feel
I'm just, pretty, uncertain. Uncertain about the future. Uncertain about my job.
And I'm kind of, well, at a loss for which direction to pursue. Certainly money is a good aim, but what else?
And I'm starting to realize that there's another metric called "warmth" that you can measure your life by. How "warm" is your life? Are you facing a cold computer screen all day? Do you spend time with warm loved ones?
I think I'm going to start investing my time into gaining warmth into my life. I want a warmer life. Not a cold one.
Success
I'm beginning to realize that even the solo game developers out there or tech founders out there, very rarely do they come out of a basement and come out with a good product. They have girlfriends, lives, friends, and hell, they might even participate in local game jams. They have design centers, friends they bounce ideas off, and etc. etc.
Good products are centered around people, and you have to be familiar with people in order to center a product around them.
There is a life to every successful businessman. There is a life to every successful engineer. Warmth is key in this regard, and I think it'd be a good investment of my time to "feed the fire" in the people around me. Relationships: not for financial gain, but to make life less chilly.
Love and Lesbianism
I respect my friend's sexuality. She said she's a lesbian, so I'll take her word for it. But, I can't help but notice that in voice call she sounded... nervous? I sounded nervous too... Also, was it just me, or was her voice several pitches higher than normal!?! I have good memory of voices... so... it was strange... erm...
Maybe I'm being a weirdo for noticing such a thing. Or am I imagining things because of how I feel? Sometimes I feel unsure. But...
My little cousins came into my room during a Discord call and heard her. I'm a stoic, stalwart, and COOL older cousin, so when they heard her and looked at the little cute puzzle game I was playing with her they were undoubtedly bewildered. They said I was being weird. I'm so sorry guys!
I think to myself that I should just play Pink Triangle and keep it on. I do like her a bit, but not a bit too much where I'd disrespect her. She is lesbian and that is that. I like her enough to be a friend.
I don't really meet many people like myself, and the fact she is a cute girl shouldn't stop me from being friends with her. I'm grateful for the opportunity to keep in touch with a like-minded individual.
I'm glad I met her. Cheers to many years of friendship.
Stimulants
Both Donald Trump and Joe Biden abstain from drugs and alcohol. Interesting. I think it's not too controversial to be sober nowadays... I hope the people around me can respect it.
Training Attention
Tomorrow I'm going to try experimenting with meditation to train attention. I've noticed as I got older I've become a lot more social, however I've noticed my attentional skills have shrunk dramatically. I'm going to try and push myself tomorrow.
Cheers.