High School
September 14th, 2024
Today, I went to a high school nearby to be mentor for one of their clubs. My coworker had invited me, and I thought it was a good change of pace.
It'd be an opportunity for me to volunteer, to help my community, and give back to others.
Initially, I was a bit apprehensive because I really have nothing to offer as a mentor. In fact, I would not make a good role model at all. That's what I believed.
I thought not to listen to my thoughts for a day, and decided to go on a whim. I sort of enjoyed seeing how Californian high school operate, and how independent and self-directed these club members are. It's impressive. I'm impressed.
But I hurt this one kids feelings by trying to give criticism. It felt like everyone was doing it, and I joined in, and all of a sudden it goes wrong. Ouch.
I realized that, for me, and my view of humanity, and the way I talk and treat people are awful. It's terribly awful. Starting right from the way I treat myself, it spreads like a cancer to others.
And that, that's why I'm alone.
Pleasantries
When I left, I said some pleasantries and left quickly. I realize now that I just never do change do I?
I have nothing to offer to those bright kids. They're better leaders than I am. And they're better technicians than I am. I really do think it's part of the education system here in California. Plus, they're not authoritarian and actually encourage critical, independent thinking.
What really happened is that I tricked the interviewer into giving me a job here in California. I was the bad apple. There are plenty of better candidates right there at that high school, much better than me.
They're just, better people than me. Bad apples shouldn't be left with good ones, it'll rot all of them.
I can accept that. I can see without jealousy and envy, that that's the way things are, and that's okay. But, I certainly could not mentor them. I have nothing to give to them at all. In fact, it'd probably be better that they mentor me.
First-Person
Y'know, I'm gonna' start typing in the style that I'm talking to you now. So that I explain myself less, and use the word "I" less.
I need to tell you that I'm not well. It's clear that I'm falling behind at work, and that I'm falling behind in life. The people around me, the younger people, are all so talented. They're much better than me. It's not so much of an issue, but I might get fired at this rate.
Y'know, sometimes I think that getting fired might not be a bad thing. Y'know, I'm starting to really consider being a monk and shaving my head and all that spice.
Hey, do you think the military would take me still? Ya know, sometimes I think to myself, if I had a stronger body, I probably would've joined the special forces by now.
I just, I just don't know what to do with myself. I hate myself so irrevocably much. Everyday I try to be a different person. I try to be a better person, someone who smiles and acknowledges their neighbors. Someone who is on-time and delivers everything correctly. Someone who's really reliable, and someone who's really funny. Someone who's a joy to be around. Someone who's just, well, a good person. I really try, I'm begging you to believe me. I try my best to fake my sincerity, and I try my best to love the people around me in my community.
But it seems I fall short. And I keep falling short. Maybe it's just destiny. Failure in my soul. I don't know. I hope not. But, I just keep falling and falling and falling. Everytime I try to be a better person, someone gets weirded out by my insincerity. Someone out there just doesn't appreciate that I'm trying to change for the better. Fake it until you make it they say. Fake it until you make it.
I just, I don't think I can fake it anymore. Especially now that I'm seeing the cracks underneath. I'm vicious against my fellow human beings, and I love them all the more dearly.
When I look out to the sky, the blue, blue sky, I just can't help but tell you this: I wish I were a star in the sky.
And if not that, I beg you, with tears in my eyes, for me to be someone else. I hate who I am with every fiber of my being. I would not wish this upon anyone on this planet. This horrible, treacherous existence of self-loathing.
I'm telling you, I get it. I get that it's my self-loathing that's the root of this all. If I didn't hate myself for hating myself, I'd be an okay person. I agree with you. But still. It still. It still goes in circles and circles and circles. That I still hate myself for hating myself.
Ever since I started this damn blog so many years ago it's the same shit. I still hate who I am. I beg God, I beg whatever being is above the planet to change who I am.
I've done my sleeping. I've done my eating. I've done my exercising. Can God change my being?
I'm sorry, but I feel the urge to gouge my eye out.
Why is it that everywhere I go, no matter where, I am just so awful? I hate being around myself. I hate it, I hate it when I talk to people. I hate the way I talk to people, I hate the way I think about people, I hate...
I hate the life choices I make. I hate the things I do, and the way I am. I hate all of it.
Tomorrow, I will go to church.
And I'll go on a hike. Alone. Maybe I'll stay at home and play video games. I don't know. I don't know why I'm telling you these things. Why?
One day I'll die. Cheers.