Going Private
January 11th, 2025
Yesterday I went on a date with C. First we met at Ocean Beach, I had told her I was going to be late by a couple minutes, but it turns out we're both on time.
It was a little awkward hugging there and meeting each other. Then we walked down some path. Later she would mention that this was actually a road, and that a local proposition had turned it into walkable greenspace. The unfortunacy was that the majority of people who voted for this lived on the other side of the city, so that representation wasn't really representative of the constituents.
We sat at a bench near Ocean Beach and talked about cringe moments in my life. I shared about my 7th grade debacles with girls, but I did leave out the incriminating parts on my side. I felt that that side of me was gross if anything. Perhaps in due time I could share. She shared about how she tried out for the track team to meet an older boy, but her mother had filled out "braces" on the form and had her rejected from the team of which had a 100% acceptance rate.
I mention the time I recommended an embarassing anime and had tried opening doors in a macho way to impress girls. Climbing over fences. Over text she had mentioned about meeting boys that did this and that to her, that there was a boy who definitely had a crush on her in school but she had no interest.
She's a bit discriminatory against race, White vs. Asian, she mentioned it with the comedy club. Growing up in a Chinese majority area I suppose allows you to feel at home.
She told of the time she tried to flex on her crush in college by biting into an onion. She had broadcasted it for all her friends to watch.
I told her of the time I wrestled my friend in muddy grass outside of an apartment.
We got up and walked towards Blackbird cafe, inside I used the restroom, and looked around. We briefly talked about self-help books and history books and the type of books you'd like or dislike. We went out back to check out the plants being sold behind the cafe.
we took the N line to Gao Viet and ate some pho. We talked about favorite foods and what we'd like and dislike. We talked about sexy talk and this and that.
We stopped at Union Square where we played fusball and cornhole. She was not impressed by my fusball skill, I felt I had overhyped myself. We also raced at Ocean Beach where she kept score.
We've talked a lot about memories of the past, who we were, what we acted like. I feel like I have been withholding information out of fear of judgement, because I was more degenerate growing up. I told her I was a shut-in growing up who was addicted to video games.
We talked about room decor, things she likes, decorations. High school decorations particularly, ever since moving back from college, and so on and so forth. Remote jobs, in-person jobs, all these things and memories that she shares.
She talked about her ex, and the relationship with her ex, her experiences with heartbreak and broken trust in middle school, the pain of having that trust broken.
I recalled memories of my youth, where my grandmother would cook pho for all of thirty or so cousins in a small one-story house. That we'd get together every Saturday and just meet one another.
She talked about how she was SA'd. I feel as if I don't want to particularly touch too deeply on that, but her boyfriend had pressured her to do a lot of things. I personally cried hearing that, I don't know how to respond well. I tried not to. But I hugged her tightly.
She likes durian was it? Watermelon. Fruits and such. She asked if I clean the chicken wings. She said her favorite food is noodles. Any kind. To be honest, when I was younger, that was my favorite food too.
I should've asked if she bites her noodles. Haha. What a memory.
As far as intimacy details, she said she'd rather I not share that with other people. I agreed and said okay.
She is kind. When I gave she asked me to take. I realize it's only a fair deal.
But the little things that make us people. She liked One Direction and Shawn Mendes. That boy who liked her in 7th grade gifted her a book, but her mom said to return it or that he would get the wrong idea, so she did. To think that she trusts her mother enough to share details like that, I think her parents are well.
She likes cute things. Going to Japantown. Craft fairs in South bay San Jose. She said her ex works at these craft fairs, so she avoided them for some time, but perhaps there's more to think of it than this.
Four years of one ex, perhaps there's an attachment still lingering, but who can you blame? We exchange souls whenever we speak to one another, and the soul I met today, well, a part of her ex lives on in her. It's strange how people can linger in one another's souls, quickly or slowly as this case, I don't know.
It still hasn't settled in that I live in San Francisco now. I don't really know how to meet new people perhaps, but it's been some time to get used to.
The time
The time is slipping away, I'm not sure of it at all now—I think I've been watching too many reels, and it's affected my understanding and flow of time.
Why, when I look at her eyes, I feel like everything makes a lot more sense, and that it's okay.