Lonesome
September 1st, 2025
The more I am desperate for it, the less of it I get from the world.
The more I want, the less I have. The more I have, the less I have wanted.
I have money, but I never wanted money.
This blog echoes what I wish I had in my day-to-day. Someone I could just talk to like this.
I'll capture in these words a timeless piece of human condition. There being some people who just aren't able to somehow succeed.
I... I think I'm tired.
Maybe too much romanticizing of the idea of a partner. Perhaps the issue is that I see it as something that'd make my life more whole.
I'm incredibly lonely. I'm moody. I'm unhappy. I'm miserable. I don't know where to go and what to do if it's by myself.
Unable to connect. It's my responsibility and fault. Yeah. I get that the issue is just me. You don't need to tell me. And I ought to be doing things to change this. But I just can't.
Twenty-five years. I'm not feeling that well. I moved to a new city and don't know a damn soul, and of it all, I feel incredibly lonesome.
My friends don't get it. I'm "not enough"? They just say "be enough."
Today, I have a strong urge to buy a pack of reds.
Hey, dear reader, do you think it gets better? I am just a random stranger on the internet.
I know, I know it's my duty to make it better. It's on me to take responsibility for my life. Not anyone else. Not nobody else. But, for what do I even hope for? What should I even hope for?
"Connection"
The world owes me nothing, and nobody owes me anything. I know that. So I have to make myself an invaluable companion. I have to be on top of things and constantly self-monitoring so that I say the right things to "laugh and have a good time."
That's all I am to people. Someone who knows how to "have a good time and make it a good time" no matter what. I'll just be able to laugh about it all. Haha! And when the clown looks himself in the mirror, he's found that there's nothing looking back at him.
I would rather just be alone. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am. I don't know how to act in this society. I am just... saddened by the grace of it all.
A Sad Acceptance
So be it. I accept my fate. I have to.
The more I accept the happier I'll be in the long run.
I won't fight against it anymore. I'm tired. I'm worn down. I will live a lonely life, but a lonely life I'll live.
The real me... I guess. The real me...
