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June 4th, 2024
I'm almost twenty-four years old. Dear God. Where did the time go?
I wish I could push a button to reboot myself.
You know, everytime I write on this blog my parents or brother seems to pickup that I'm actually doing something productive and come to bother me. I feel as if they have some sort of telepathic sense that something schizophrenic is going down.
Graphorrea
Graphorrea is a symptom where the patient writes a bunch of disconnected words in sequential order as if they made sense. I recently stumbled across some of my old writing and actually found the following paragraphs:
Of the quiet fray of the morning breeze, a castaway wind hits my wrinkled nose. Blessed are the words uttered of your gentle lips O Jesus Christ. Of the sands that sprinkle across the galaxies and become the stars we pray and name our dieties to, may we ever see the everglowing vigilance of Mother Mary Sol.
May in the morning dock, of the time past the church bells toll. Of the windy days and when the sun kisses the riverbank and the purple flowers spit out their pollen. When the little boys and girls come out with their parents guiding a stroller of a younger sibling down the well-trodden path. Maintenance workers who bark and yell with their anti-cosmopolitan sway. Of the yuppies who stride into work with worried looks on their faces, or of the full-time employees who do everything in their power to make their remaining days less mundane.
Creak goes the rooftops. When the sun is free of its chains underneath the ocean, and rises above all to meet its temporary victory. Burning brightly until its smouldered underneath the ocean waves again.
This continues on for a little while. It spooked me a few nights ago during an anxiety attack. I saw faces even though my eyes were closed. Quite the overractive imagination I must say on my part.
Flashback to a time in second grade, where I was cowering underneath the kitchen light at 2AM. I was scared senseless in my own head, I was imagining a zombie apocalypse and could see it as if it were real.
Apparently, visual and auditory hallucinations are quite common in people with anxiety.
Anxiety
Frankly, looking back at the blogposts, this much is obvious as hell. I have anxiety. Hallucinatory anxiety.
My mentality is at its bounds. I'm deathly afraid I may be going schizophrenic. Cognitive decline is there. Can I reverse the symptoms before it's too late?
The Will to Fight
I don't know what's in me, but I still have some teeth to fight against my own mental decline.
I've started cleaning up my lifestyle dramatically this past year. Clean food. Clean sleep. Clean water. I even meditated yesterday.
My decline has halted in a way. My symptoms are improving. I've engaged people as "friends." I have a few close friends and that's all.
It's clear to me that being anxious got me in this mess. Being anxious also helps me get out of this mess. But being anxious is the problem.
Rituals for Anxiety
I wonder if I should develop magical rituals that'll cure me of my anxieties. Strange things that I'll do ungrounded in anything that'll "protect" me from the outside world...
Maybe... like a to-do list...
Sigh.
Being Aware I'm wasting hours everyday surfing the web
I have a problem focusing on a task and constantly alt-tab. I wonder why this is this the case. I'll go for a nap then surf reels for hours.
The internet is not helping me. Sigh.