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Friends Outside of Work

November 4th, 2025

Friends outside of work, or the bigger picture

There's a lot running through my mind—

  • It's getting darker sooner Say five o' clock and the sun is coming down already.
  • The political climate isn't good, and I am not even aware—the one friend who I was close enough with to share I voted for Trump is starting to push me away.
  • The friends I had earlier are pushing me away because I work hard at work, and if I work hard, everyone will need to work hard.
  • I'm feeling isolated. My friends are all leaving me.
  • J, the niece, I like. But I am beginning to feel unsure of the pace I am going. I have to drive this relationship somewhere.

I don't have friends I can just call at a whim, or can I?

I should go to that run club tomorrow evening. Oh wait, I scheduled a movie night with some pals.

Then board games on Thursday. What about Saturday? I should find some hiking buddies in San Francisco, once a week we go?

To hang out with coworkers less and less, I suppose so.

As I get older and older, I feel more and more dumb. I feel like I am getting set in my ways, and closed-minded. When I was in school, I was constantly learning, and constantly open to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Not sure exactly. But the ebb and flow of my social life kind of just rhythms, if that makes sense.

Emotions

My emotions are a roller-coaster. I should work a little bit tomorrow morning too, get to the office early and just crank out the PRs I need to get out.

Perhaps it's that, well, I do not know how any of it goes.

I'm stuck in a rut, and I don't know how to grow from here. Whatever that means.

Oh wait.

That self that always needs to improve and keep moving?

Why, isn't that a trauma response?

To be someone, to be something that needs fixing?

I need a moment to take a breather; just a quick break. I need to just rest a little.

For, when did I, ever, just take an hour of my day, just to live for myself? And not to live for an image of myself, of my responsibility of myself, but as myself, as I am?

For as I am, and what I am, for is that not what I should respect most of all? And not the perfect image of what I am, but what I am, in my heart, and what I believe, and not the chastise myself for having contrarian beliefs, and not any of that.