I Found my Wallet
January 14th, 2025
I found my wallet. The airport gave me an email, and I drove in the next day to pick it up. Thank God they kept it. My coworker said that after the first time, you usually remember to keep it.
His name is J. He sort of bothers me because he seems too perfect, if that makes sense. But I realize that some people can just be that happy and good at life. And hanging around him, frankly, is making me better at life as well. I compete with him at work, but I'm not sure he's even aware. It's like those anime where the MC is not aware of their "rival."
Same with my coworkers. Who knew that the secret to changing who you are is to change the people around you? What a sensation.
Tired in the Morning
I can't seem to workout in the morning. I did today, and I feel utterly drained. I just did leg press for 200lbs and I just feel exhausted.
I have to start in the evenings, but to tell you the truth I'm a bit insecure about how strong I am. Maybe I should be honest and let people know that I feel ashamed of how weak I am. They say vulnerability is strength.
But to be fair, I do have legitimate cause for why I am this way. Negligent father. Frail asthmatic body. Plus I got bullied a lot in middle school, and my teachers never took me aside to encourage me. I remember doing the scoring for their basketball game since I didn't want to play and get pushed down.
If I have a son, I want to make sure he's confident in his body, even if the world thinks he's too small.
Cousins
I always was dedicated to my blood family as per my asian family values, but I've begun to rethink it considering how much better I feel without them. They are incessantly toxic, and the fact of the matter is is that they complain a lot and criticize a lot without anyone even prompting or asking them.
I think it is rude to give feedback in such a brash manner, and without them even being prompted. If I wanted feedback, I would've asked. More likely than not, most human beings are aware of their flaws and don't need people calling them bitches or fuckwads.
I will admit though, there is a purpose to raising kids with aggression like that, and that's during times of war. If you raise them by being aggressive and condescending and brutal, you get them used to brutality, and then I think it makes it easier for those kids when grown up to feel numb. And feeling numb is a great defensive mechanism during wartime.
But we don't live in wartime, so frankly, I don't see the point of being so uncompassionate towards others.
My male cousins are actually... very toxic. They criticize and don't care about how other people feel. They are judgemental, and they talk about subject matter only they care about. They don't pay attention to the human in front of them, and they'll disagree with the human in front of them.
They also seem to like lecturing people about how they live their life. Not sure I like taking it to be honest. I'd rather go do something cool and fun and easygoing, you know?
I've changed having moved to California. I feel like just a few months ago I was no different, sticking to odd conversation topics and eccentric whims just because I wanted to feel some sort of superiority or because I was ashamed.
But I shouldn't hold it against them. It's the way we were raised. I get it. I see where they are coming from, and they are adamant on staying that way. I don't mind. But, at the very least, I'll be spending a lot less time with them. If they want to fix themselves, they can do it on their own. And if they want to know why I spend less time with them, well, they can ask me and I'll tell them that they're toxic against me.
Their mental health is infectious, so to speak.
And I realize, that my mental health is also infectious. Somehow, over the course of these few months, teasing away my emotions and reminding myself how I feel, I've felt like my mental health has dramatically recovered. I know what my needs are, and I can address them with proper communication.
I stopped writing so negatively, I feel that's just the wrong way to approach things.
To write positively, and not so seriously!
Easy Peasy
My cousin, so to speak, isn't the most, err, commonplace individual. He frequents public discord servers a lot, and not to mention his massive age-gap relationship with his girlfriend who was only 21 when they met. He's 34 for reference, so he's quite a ways bit older.
I don't think these facts bother me much, it's rather the lecturing tone he takes with me regarding relationships. It feels as if he thinks himself the specialist, and me the not so specialist. I suppose that is the case, but rather, I'd rather not be talked down on. I think engaging with this sort of rhetoric is... not the way to go you know.
It seems the more time I spend with my cousins the more negative I get which is, well, not quite the direction I'd think I'd like to grow in.
Hey, what the hell though. It's alright.
My Needs
Yo, like, I'm gonna' be real, I don't want to go back to my parents. I don't want to go back to Houston. I like my family, and they got my back in wartime, but they are toxic to be around.
Recognizing how I feel, and how I am is most important. I feel hungry. I feel tired. Then taking responsibility of those feelings is upmost important.
I am sad, then listen to sad music. I am happy, then go enjoy life!
The one thing I learned working was... to be accountable for your own outcome. In other words, if something in your life isn't up to par, who's it up to to solve it? Not just playing the blame game here, but specifically, who is going to figure this sh*t out? Because frankly, it just needs to get fixed.