Floor Sleeping
May 26th, 2025
I confess I have been a chronic floor sleeper for the past one and a half years. I had slept on the floor starting November 2023. I have officially bought a bed as of a couple days ago, the 23rd of May particularly.
I didn't realize how important sleep was, and possibly that the fact that I had been abusing myself so harshly every night may have caused me to think differently and less positively than I used to. I guess it's good to have mind caluses, but achieving more deep sleep is probably better for the body.
Mission Peak with a Friend
I climbed Mission Peak with a friend, and I can say I'm quite happy.
Going out a lot more
I've been playing a lot less video games and writing a lot less. Though with sleeping the stress of everyday life has started to get better.
The world in which I frame is still the same, yet I feel a tad bit more positive, and the good thoughts come easier. It's almost too good, as I told myself this morning. There must be a challenge ahead, and I must ready myself for it.
Communicating openly and freely, and less bluntly
I think this is the case. I'll start living more authentically.
Figuring out what the hell to do
Sure, I don't really know what the hell to do. Should I go bouldering? Should I go buy that motorcycle I've been putting off?
Today, I just feel really good. I think I'm going to go on another long hike.
Am I ready for a relationship?
What lessons did I learn about love from my family of origin?
That it's a transactional thing -- you force others to give you validation and hold control over their heads. Financial, emotional, or physical control. Usually resorts to shouting matches and can get physical if left untempered. One person eventually gives in and they don't talk about their issues again -- it's "resolved."
Usually, love is about expectations. That's what they tried to teach me -- but I'm rejecting that whole notion of love. I refuse for it to be some sort of transactional thing.
I think I'm more aligned with a romantic view, that love is a form of service. A partnership, a team effort, and a goal-driven achievement. Something that can be negotiated peacefully, and resolved with good communication.
What did my family of origin teach me about disagreements and conflict? How were conflicts navigated?
It's inevitable. It's going to happen. You have to be prepared to talk things out calmly and not let yourself get roudy over it. It's better to approach things from a frame of mind that's healthy in general. Framing the problem in a healthy way goes a long way.
Don't let emotions drive the conversation, let emotions motivate the conversation. Just because you see your husband on the computer too much doesn't mean you need to start lashing out and yelling. But things can get too much, and you start lashing out because the world is just so overwhelming, and the one guy that was supposed to support you isn't doing his job.
And then you really do realize that you could've picked a better husband or partner -- that you could've found someone that respects your boundaries. Someone that's more emotionally mature, and has more experience, and isn't just going to use you to get experience...
How have I navigated conflict in my previous (romantic or platonic) relationships?
I haven't had many, but I did have close friendships. I became rather needy and dependent, and came off strongly. It was too much. It was too heavy. And it honestly was a lot of work.
I realize that I myself had an unstable childhood, so I really do search for that stability in other people and depend on them so much. I think at my emotional core that's how I am.
Perhaps though, that it's all in my head, and that the language and framing of the problem is responsible for it all, but looking upon it, with a closer inspection, I am not sure of it all.
Did I feel seen, validated, and affirmed when I shared my feelings as a child?
No.
Since then, have I felt seen, validated, and affirmed when I shared my feelings in (romantic or platonic) relationships?
No.
How do I typically respond when others are crying or expressing heightened emotions? What could be influencing my response?
Confusion, and possibly an understanding depending on how tired or stressed I am. I sort of realize that it can be distressing.
What have my previous dates or romantic relationships taught me about love?
Love is complicated. It's more like just wanting them by your side. I don't know how to describe it. Just hearing them yap about anything. Like you know you can trust on them to keep you safe and feeling well.
What triggers me about dating and starting new relationships?
Probably fear of intimacy and might be feeling that dependent on someone else. It'd have to be building a relationship with open communication and clear boundaries.
How do I want to handle conflict and disagreements in a relationship?
Probably writing letters to one another. Haha. I mean like, what I mean is like, being able to lay down all the facts and not get into a shouting match.
What activities or interests do I want to share with my partner?
That's a good question. Probably being active, which I need to get stronger for. I'm unfortunately not that strong due to being asthmatic all my life. A bummer. I need to get stronger.
How much alone time do I need to feel balanced and happy?
Probably a lot of alone time surprisingly. Or is this a mindset thing as well? I'm not sure.
What are my long-term goals, and how do I want a relationship to support them?
My long-term goals? Probably peace. Probably a relationship where I can enjoy her company. Probably one where I get excited about taking her somewhere. I am not sure.
Now I am so unsure. Just the other day I was so sure. What is the matter with me? Perhaps I should be more careful about what I say.
A fictional story
Perhaps the most fashionable thing to do, would be to write a little story, of a boy and a girl, and of them meeting, and of what they were looking for in the lullaby of life.
Let's take who I am from the outside perspective. Bubbly, energetic, highly emotionally available, quiet, reserved, and at the same time impulsive. Someone who has a lot of chaotic energy, and has a lot of ungrounded emotions. Impulsive in some ways, and not impulsive in others.
He's happy when something good happens. He's silent when something bad happens. He's terrified and scared and sad and all the above emotions.
There's a lot of deep emotions.