Fighting
May 15th, 2026
I've been fighting with my girlfriend. Over what, I don't know. I just feel frustrated and upset with the way our relationship is, and possibly because of her unemployment status.
I was thinking in the shower, if I were LKY, I'd march up to my company's marketing department and talk them into hiring her myself. There's a part of me that doesn't want to do it, but there's a part of me that just needs her to get a job. I have doubts in my mind whether or not she can do a good job, but recently she told me of how she started taking ownership and tried leading the social media initiative herself at her prior company before they let her go—that makes me feel excited.
She says it's not fair I tell her that she's this or that without asking—I just assume based on what she says. It felt as if every story she said was some sort of sob story, that she was the victim. And she was. But damn, I don't really care, if you're a victim and you paint yourself as a victim, I still don't want to date a victim!
I know it's cruel when I put it like that, but it's real. It's not the energy I'm looking for in a partnership. Even if you were victimized. It's similar to a homeless hobo, like damn, you might not have chosen to be put there and experience that, but still doesn't mean I want to date you as a partner! I wish the best for you, truly, from one human being to another, but sharing a life as a partner is something different.
It can be quite cruel, but for all of human history, this is how women have selected mates of men—they really don't care how you got there, but do you have the resources?
I told her up front, I was looking for growth and accountability in a partner. I don't see either. Maybe I should frame it like that.
I just have a hard time looking her in the eyes and saying these hurtful things, I know she would be sad to see these words.
But the truth of it is, I haven't been growing in this relationship either. Maybe I've become happier. But I've actually been regressing in my ruler of development. Shocker. I've become more lazy, less motivated, and less willing to do anything at all. I don't run in the mornings because I spend time cuddling with her. I don't go to the gym either. I stay up late to sync bedtimes with her because she can't go to sleep before midnight. So when she comes over we hit a "happy" compromise of 11:30PM. In actuality, I want to sleep earlier, so I can wake up earlier and go exercise. I don't want to exercise before bed and elevate my heart rate like that.
Hell, I've been writing a lot less too! And I've been lying to myself more. I would enjoy if she could keep me honest too, but I think she lies to herself a lot, and isn't really willing to look the reality straight in the eye—no, the hiring manager might not care about your volunteering experience as much as your job experience. This job market is truly shit, and you really might need to seriously consider a career switch if it's been more than a year of unemployment.
The positives is that she's disgustingly compassionate, I think she could be a priest or a monk in her next life. She just has compassion and understanding for all, but that also means she doesn't really judge anything. Like I'll say some of the meanest shit ever and she would still sit there in calm and ask for more information.
I really like how nice she is, and how compassionate and understanding she is. But now that I think about it, what else is there to her? That she fights for her friends? Sort of? She's a good listener to her friends, and her friends come to her to consult her, but it feels like sometimes her friends leave her out of the crucial core friend group? Like what kind of friends are that?
Her conversational skills are interesting... I don't think she really can drive an interesting conversation. And if it is interesting, she'll opt for a non-answer because typically a real answer requires being judgemental. I feel like a lot of questions I ask her she just dodges with the median answer, or the socially acceptable answer, or "this is what people say online" kind of answer.
Like, I don't think she really has thoughts and opinions on her own that she really wants to share. She even treads very carefully when I ask her if she'd date me if I were a janitor. She always sugarcoats the answer, and it's actually kind of, well, kind of rude in its own way. That she can't even say it outright what she really feels. That she feels that I need that sugarcoating, it makes me quite sad if anything. My little sister straight up would tell me no, "no girl would ever love you like that." Which isn't necessarily true either, but damn, it's a real damn opinion instead of beating around the bush and saying, "I like you for who you are."
I think it's fine. I mean, who can really fulfill all these asks? But really, I want to date someone with substance and a real opinion. Not sugarcoating every little thing like I'm some dumpy little boy and I can't handle it.
This relationship is starting to drain me and make me feel lonely. It makes me feel like I'm the only one living this sort of life and seeing life in this sort of way. In a sort of, "what does the truth actually look like?" kind of way. Or, what is the framing of the world? Or, what does an existential crisis mean?
Because our life experiences are so different, that she hasn't really had any severe life troubles, I do think she has that sort of naivety flavor. Like all sunshine and rainbows. I don't know how to explain it. Like, I ask her how she'd handle losing four passports in a foreign country and I think she seems a little startled that that's even a possibility.
Friends
Claude AI tells me that a relationship with her could still make sense, but the need for cognition needs to be remedied in some other way. With a group of friends, or something else. It obviously can't lay all on her, and while she could be a rock, my root, my platform, well, she doesn't really have much interesting conversation to offer.
Do I want a life partner that doesn't say much interesting things or has any hot takes? I don't necessarily think it's fun particularly, but the tradeoff is that it's rather stable. Super, super stable.
Like, I've known her for six months now, I can assume that she's not going to surprise me with any edge. And certainly, I don't expect her to drive the conversation in any meaningful or interesting direction. I know for certain that she will complain and fight back if I tell her she's not engaging in much interesting conversation, or putting anything at stake in the conversation. I think it's fine. She values that sort of peace and harmony even internally, and perhaps that's from her cultural background as well.
It's just. Very, very stable. She's just at peace and harmony with everything that goes on around her, and I just don't know. I need someone to talk about complex things. I need someone with hot takes, and maybe that'll come from a group of friends.
She's also forbade me from discussing our relationship woes with friends. It makes me sad. Who am I supposed to talk to to get this off my chest? Where is it supposed to go?
Claude AI says that six months is rather early to make determinations on people's character, but I really don't think it takes that long. You settle in and things change a little, but perhaps it's the same person with less effort.
I think importantly it's important to think about the tradeoffs—someone who is stable and harmonious is exactly that, they can handle a lot of things in life and still keep their head on their shoulders. I think of T, the girl who would write of BL and I'd exchange messages on Discord for hours upon hours (the entire day sometimes) about BL and other anime / manga variant media. I think it was a fun time, and the conversations were genuinely interesting. But she was also, well, crazy. She'd complain and moan and then drop random shit like her period was off by 7 months, or something like that.
Then she'd say her parents are fighting again, or that her older sister was beating her, or something chaotic like that. Then she'd lash out at me, and say I'm shit, or something like that. I mean it's real. She'd say I'm a bastard or some annoying piece of bullshit on her side that was dragging her down or taking her time away from her or something like that.
It's real, I mean there's real tradeoffs when it comes to building a relationship with people. Yeah, C doesn't drive the most interesting conversations. They're kind of boring sometimes? But are partners people that just need to sit there and entertain me? I think a mild enjoyment is enough, and perhaps I'm just not used to that yet.
Maybe I'll give her a shot. Maybe C still has something in store that'll surprise me that she could fire away. There's always something new, I suppose.
I think it's still too early to tell, but then, when is enough time to know? You know? If I'm already thinking at 3 months into the relationship (officially, I've known her for 6), how long will it take to really know and give her a chance? 1 year? There's only common heuristics that people usually take, and sometimes, I feel, I might not match that commonality.
I just don't know. But for sure, I would love if C drove a little more conversations, and possibly, surprised me with a conversation topic? Lately it's been a bit dull, but, hopefully, maybe I could drive the conversation in an interesting direction. Something that makes my bells ring.
But importantly, I feel lonely. I feel distraught. And I feel like I've been left for dead. It feels like I don't understand what she's getting at, and I feel very frustrated in the way she thinks about the world.
Who cares?
I do. I care. But anyway.
The point is that for C my mind seems to be headed towards a more negative direction. I'm looking for more spice, and I don't know if she's got it. Maybe she does. Maybe she has some hot takes.
My mom was an interesting person. She'd say if that guy is hot or she likes Donald Trump because of his hair. Like those are real risky hot takes. She said she hated test tube babies, like that's an interesting person I'd say. Maybe you'd complain that she was dumb or not conscientious enough, whatever that means, but dang is she fun to talk to.
My sister is similar in that she's willing to say the risky stuff. She's willing to say the stuff nobody else is. I don't know.
Even T was willing to say so much risky shit, I'd find it impressive. And she had the technical chops to be a billingual published writer, a commissioned artist, and a white-collar data analyst. Like are you shitting me? She was a Renaissance woman.
I can't say the same for C, and frankly, T lived a more gruesome and harder life. It's actually insane. I hate comparing the two, but I have to really think about tradeoffs and what I want in a partner.
That is to say, I'm not breaking up with C just yet. I'll let the fog settle. Let's just relax for a moment and hone the emotions in. But there are some glaring flaws and maybe, well, C is frankly more normal. She's well-adjusted to society. I think there's merit in that too, considering T wouldn't even go outside without a plushie of husbando.
I'm not saying that with C and T they're totally perfect, I don't think anyone is. And Claude AI is right, there could be people who are both stable and competent, harmonious and interesting. There could be very well people like that out there. I won't know until I look. But still, I am still thinking about C, and what I can do to make myself more happy with her.
Sure, I have all these complaints against her, but they aren't necessarily true or needed to be remedied immediately. I think I just need to push back and set my schedule for myself, and really get her to know that, hey, like, I want to do this and that, so we're going to do this and that.
I am beggining to exert more and more control over her, and frankly, I don't want that. I want her real, substantial opinion on things. Not some watered down generic. I want her to say: "fuck you, I want this." Or not the fuck you part, but to genuinely say "I want this" and it not just be a pastry or tea drink or puppy dog she sees in some park. Maybe that's all she really wants in life, is just a park and some pastries, but still, like, what about me? What does she want of me?
I don't really get it. I think I'd want to know what she wants that might not be socially acceptable. I just, well, I'm dating someone with like, zero rough edges. She's completely smoothed over, so much that I think corporate life would suit her really well, and I'm moreso surprised that nobody's picked her up. She has no angst, no edge, no nothing of that. I just don't really get how some people can go through life and just have no rough edges.
Like you see people die, and like, damn, you feel, like, this existential angst isn't there? Maybe she just feels sad. But where's the angst? Where's the frustration with God and Life? Did she really leave her religion because some dudes were being creepy in a university club? Did she really drop out of two majors because she didn't do well in the introductory courses? Doesn't she think that the introductory courses have nothing to do with the actual occupation itself, and it zero signal on whether she'd like the job or not?
Claude AI
Claude AI told me to stop building a case against her, because if that's the case I should just break up with her instead of generating reasons. Fair.
More importantly, Claude AI told me to live my life, on my own terms. Not on hers. To see if that'll lift the resentment. Bring back the morning runs. Bring back the morning lifting. Bring back the exercise, and bring back the writing. Bring it all back and see if I feel better.
That's true, and to tell you the truth I took out today to do exactly that, and frankly, I just feel a lot better. Maybe I'll even play video games.
Maybe really what has been going on is that I felt like my time was being taken away from me, because, well, we spend four days of the week together, like, everyday. We spend a lot of time together. I'm taking like 96 hours straight side by side. That's a lot of time.
I think I want some time to go running and lifting and writing and drawing and playing video games and watching anime. I think so. I think that's really where the resentment is building up. And it's a nefarious kind of resentment because I couldn't even quickly identify what the issue was. Scary, isn't it?
Choose me. Remember me. Don't dress me down for her, I need to remember that, or she's going to start resenting me. I think importantly, I need to play some damn video games.