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Feelings

March 5th, 2024

I have begun to realize that emotions are physical sensations of the body. And, I have rather strong emotions.

I have a nagging sensation in the back of my brain, today I'm not feeling well again.

You know, I was thinking about the past today. For some reason. I think my childhood trauma could be summarized as: "when I gained consciousness, my mother tried to kill me and my uncle molested me." (It almost sounds like Bobby Lee saying "everyday for a summer, I was brutally molested by a guy with down syndrome." )

I think that's pretty... fucking tough. Hard as nails tough. If someone were to tell me that, I'd imagine they struggled a lot and were strong. But why don't I think that of myself?

Words... again?

Maybe it's all just words again. The reason why I started thinking again is because I started having intense physical emotional reactions. My shoulders tense in defensiveness and my throat tightens. I'm not relaxed.

I use words to point to these phenomena, because they're true. I'm pointing to them because that's what's happening when I'm awake. For some reason it happens again and again.

To keep my metaphysics in mind and not get lost in the abstraction, I'll try to refer to everything that I know for certain is true of the senses.

  1. My body tightens and constricts when I believe I'm being observed, or I believe there is an expectation out of me.
  2. When I see the pretty girl in class and sit next to her, a constricted knot forms in my stomach.
  3. When I walk in public and I pass by a pretty girl, my body constricts and my movements become stiff.

I've done this ever since I was young. I always wondered... logically speaking... what the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I... just a bad person?

Words. Words. Words.

Take a look at the list again. What is it?

They're words. They're what I'm choosing to see. I'm not seeing the whole picture. I'm not seeing truth. I'm coloring my reality again.

I'm choosing what to sense instead of just... being.

Mindfulness and Being

Just... be. You know what I mean. You know what I mean.