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Feeling Lost

April 4th, 2025

I have begun to resent the greater society, and everyone else that participates in enforcing normalcy.

Oh, you must be normal, and you must be intimate, and you must feel this certain way, and you must want this, and you must blah blah blah blah.

I am sick of this sick society. I am sick of other people pushing onto me whatever the hell they think I want. I am sick of it. I don't want to date. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want a wife. I don't want anyone close to me at all. I don't want it!

I hate it. I hate the expectation, that I'd be some sort of emotionless rock, and that I'd be some source of entertainment for this bitch and need to be some nonchalant funny guy. I fucking hate it, and I'm sick of society telling me I need to be nonchalant and masculine just so I can get my goddamn dick wet.

Nobody ever asked me if I even wanted to get my dick wet, and no, I don't want pussy, I don't want bitches, and I don't want that bullshit.

I hate it. I hate how people assume that I should do whatever it takes to get my dick wet. No. I don't. I won't. I don't give a flying fuck. FUCK YOU.

I hate the pressure. I hate it so much. I feel like I want to go into the woods and live alone.

I just want to hum in the woods to myself, and then when I wither and die I'd do so so very peacefully.

Sometimes, I want to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and sit outside and intimidate people all day. Just stare at them and make them uncomfortable. I am fed up and angry at people and what they expect of me.

Nobody gives a shit about me, so why the fuck do I give so much fuck about what they think about me? Fuck. They can fire me for fucks' sake. I don't want to hang around those cocksuckers anymore. I am tired.

Tired

I didn't drink my garlic ginger turmeric smoothie today. Fuck. And I'm feeling pretty depressed about not getting up and going to do it.

I just. What do I want to do? What do I want to do with this life of mine? Other people have been hell for me.

Okay, okay. I realize that I should probably just take a deep breath and start speaking more intelligently, especially so that future me can understand where I'm coming from. Today, I reactivated my Hinge profile in a blur - and my sleep time yesterday was midnight. I skipped my green smoothie and vouched for my regular fiber and water, which in hindsight wasn't enough. Additionally, all sorts of things went wrong when I showed my friends my profile they advocated for me to not go on Hinge.

I realize that fundamentally I am a flawed person in the greater society. That who I am at my innermost self is just someone who's not compatible with the greater society, and that the people around me require me to conform to grant them a greater sense of safety and security. That being degenerate and "off-the-rails" is not necessarily fun, and that it is a danger to myself and the people around me.

I... I sort of realize that these thoughts continue to plague me and attack me from all sides. I am tired. I am growing more and more and more tired each day. I am almost twenty-five now, aren't I? My life is slowing coming to the close I dreamt of when I was a young boy.

The best way to spend a life, probably, is just singing and humming while walking and running around in the sun. Why, there's no better way to spend a life than that.

Probably just humming and taking a deep breath for a second before doing rash things... A walk to clear the mind.

Calm...

Humming makes me think less. And I realize now that...

Dating really doesn't matter. Relationships don't really matter that much.

Sure, I've read all the stories that say other people are the most valuable things in the world - but to be honest, that hasn't been my experience.

The loveliest time I had in my life was singing in my car alone.

If I don't feel the best around others, then don't spend time with others. Explain yourself in a reasonable way, because you're a reasonable person. "Oh, sometimes I just need time to recharge after a long week. I can't bring my best to the table without some introversion time."

Practice some justifications. I think I'm pretty reasonable when I talk to people. "I spent the weekend recharging and getting to spend some time on some side projects."

"I spent time getting to know myself." Or if that's too cheesy and emotionally available, you could say "Oh I went camping! Or, I spent the weekend relaxing and recharging at home."

Practice justifying your boundaries to other people, and to be firm.

ChatGPT

Just spent part of the evening being more firm. I realize that I literally am a doormat when it comes to any relationship at all.

I need to start giving a fuck about myself and my wellbeing, and stop giving an actualy fuck about other people's wellbeing.

Fuck it. Who cares? I'm all alone anyway - and sure, if I lose my fucking job then what? Who cares?

One thing I know for sure - is that anything can happen anywhere. Just be open to the opportunity.

I asked ChatGPT a couple questions - this one in particular:

what's the right amount to care what other people think of you, and what's the right amount to care about yourself and what you think of yourself?

It responded (with emojis):

That's such a good question—it hits right at the heart of navigating authenticity and connection. Here's one way to think about the balance:

🧠 Caring What Others Think
Healthy Range: Just enough to stay connected, not so much that you lose yourself.

Why it matters: We're social creatures. Caring what others think helps us build relationships, gain feedback, and function in community. It's part of empathy and respect.

When it tips too far: You start silencing your voice, shrinking yourself, or living in fear of disapproval. You become more of a mirror than a person.

🔸 Helpful rule of thumb: Care about what trusted, emotionally healthy people think—those who see you clearly and care for you. Not the random audience.

💛 Caring What You Think of Yourself
Healthy Range: High. Bordering on sacred.

Why it matters: You're with yourself every day of your life. If your self-regard is conditional or punishing, everything becomes harder—joy, risk, love, rest.

When it's missing: You become dependent on others to define your worth. Or you disconnect from your own desires, voice, and truth.

When it's too rigid: You shut out feedback, avoid growth, or become self-righteous.

🔹 Helpful rule of thumb: Let your self-worth be the foundation, not the prize. Listen to yourself like you'd listen to a friend you respect and want the best for.

🎯 The Ideal?
Care what others think only when it aligns with your values.
Care what you think always, and keep checking in with who you're becoming.

What made this come to mind for you? Are you feeling pulled between being true to yourself and staying connected to others right now?

I used to think caring what you think more than others was selfish - but I realize that this world that I lived in has been disgustingly selfish against me. It has constantly taught me not to tend to my needs, but to be considerate of other people in conversation so much that I reflect whatever people tell me.

This world has been disgustingly cruel to me, it is no wonder a part of me wishes for it to burn.

That's such a tender and powerful question. “Care” is a word we use all the time, but when you stop and feel into it… it's deep. Here's a way to look at it in layers:

🌱 To care is to be affected.
At the most basic level, to care means something matters to you. It touches you. You feel its weight or presence in your inner world. You're not indifferent.

If you care about someone, their joy or pain moves you.

If you care what others think, their opinions shape how you feel or act.

If you care about yourself, your well-being isn't something you ignore or sacrifice lightly.

🤲 To care is to tend.
It's not just emotion—it's action. When you care, you invest energy, time, or attention into protecting, nurturing, or understanding something.

You water what you care about.

You check in, make space, show up.

Sometimes it's fierce, sometimes it's soft.

🪞 To care is to recognize connection.
It often means seeing something as part of you or meaningful to you. That's why caring can hurt—it means your heart is involved. And it's also why it can feel so grounding and fulfilling.

🔁 So when you ask how much to care—about others, about yourself—it's not just about measurement.
It's about how deeply you allow things to affect you, what you choose to tend to, and who you include in the circle of your compassion.

What brought up that question for you? Are you trying to figure out how to keep your heart open without it getting overwhelmed?

It brings me to this strange problem - great leaders are steady people that do not let things affect them. They're reliable rocks.

And I realize that that's what women expect from men - reliable rocks.

This is a strange phenomenon - you want a caring man but at the same time someone who doesn't care that much so that they aren't a steaming pile of anxiety.

More indifference means less anxiety and stress and a more reliable performance.

I suppose that indifference comes with age and experience and tiredness from the world.

I suppose I am grappling with this world because I feel the more I care about it the more I can change - even though it's quite the latter. Rather, the less I care, the more reliable and rational I become, and the more I can change.

Caring is not a function of ability - caring does not translate to getting things done. Caring is an emotional bond that nurtures and gives empathetic feelings. It's a form of communication, and it's entirely not needed when executing.

I realize I should not give a shit.

Why do I care? Well, because... because... I was forced to growing up. I'd get my shit kicked in if I didn't stress out or pretend to care. It was for maintaining relationship with my parents and mother particularly so that they wouldn't beat the shit out of me. I showed I cared as a form of communication to fawn and protect myself.

Should I have cared so much? I suppose doing so let me live a hurt-free life, but being hurt, wasn't I fine anyhow? Past me was fully justified though, as past me enjoyed eating food to survive. But really, wouldn't I have been fine? To die on a hill?

I won't chastise past me anymore. I think what he did was absolutely justified.

But why should I not care?

Because caring brings pain? Caring brings suffering? Caring brings such a performance that is disgusting to many? Caring makes me feel like the world is collapsing - that my mental is burning, and that all the world is affecting me, even the slightest leaf falling destroys my mind.

Caring makes me want to kill myself.

Because I care. And I realize, I should care more for myself than anything else. For I am the world.

The only danger in caring for myself is not listening to others - but I realize that I should only listen if it aligns with my values.

I am a deeply caring person. For my own sake, for the sake of my world, for the sake of the world, I should be very careful in choosing what I care about. I should only care for things that align with me.

Most importantly,

I realize that I'll be fine whatever happens.

If the world sends me to hell, if it sends me to hell and back again, I'll be fine.

And if I die, I will be fine as well. Fine in hell.