Feeling Great Again
April 25th, 2024
It's as if my mental state were directly correlated with the quality of sleep I get (and blood sugar spikes.) Sleeping at 11pm instead of 9pm throws me for a deep spin. Interesting how fragile sleep is for me.
Aren't humans supposed to be anti-fragile? Guess not me.
Hopefully there's not some weird bias that's causing me to observe myself in a certain way. But yes, sleep and diet do appear to affect my physical stress levels.
I've found my cure. Hopefully I'll put this depression and anxiety into remission once and for all.
To you, the reader
This blog is a diary against mental illness and self-loathing. I have described here ideas that would not pass in mainstream thought. And certainly ones I don't believe in anymore. I have radically changed in these short two years since starting this diary to say the least.
If you are struggling with your own mental health, I implore you to take your life into your own hands. You don't have to implement the exact protocols I have described throughout my diary, but I hope by skimming it you find the strength to address your own needs.
If you don't struggle with mental health, have fun reading both mental breakdown and build-up!
I've done a lot of research in how to change personality/mental illness in an expression of self-loathing.
I'd like to think I've succeeded.
In the past, I've read a lot of self-help books and watched a lot of self-help videos. The Confidence Gap, Charisma on Command, No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, etc. I recall reading dear Dr. Daniel Wendler's e-book on how to have conversations in high school. It helped some, but I would fall back into awkwardness and depression very quickly. And, it made me feel fake. I never made real friends following the advice of self-help books.
In my own personal theorycrafting, I've found that socialization is a function of the brain. I've found that personality is a function of the brain, and the health of the brain directly correlates with the health of the personality.
Anecdotally, I've always wondered why the average athlete is more likeable than the average nerd and I think I've found my answer. The theory would explain it: athlete's brains are in a healthier metabolic state compared to a nerd's brain.
So in my own self-loathing, as a self-proclaimed nerd, I decided to take my health into my own hands. I've found good success with it, and if you are convinced, I hope you do too.
Goals
I look back on my goals I wrote for myself. It looks like this:
I kind of laugh to myself now reading it back. As if a girlfriend would've made me feel better (or should have been a goal at all!)
Let's see... 1/2/3/4, yes, one plate overhead press, two plate bench press, three plate squat, and four plate deadlift is strong. I'll probably keep this goal on my next iteration.
I have a well-paying job now. So cross that off the list.
A million bucks by 25... well we'll have to see about that one.
I've learned to cook, worked with OpenGL, and ran a half-marathon (11 miles, cheating a little) on a training day. So all of that can be crossed off!
Not bad. I think I only missed 2-3 bullet points.
New Goals
New, updated goals:
Healthy, metabolic body => remission from depression. No depressive episodes or anxiety attacks.
1/2/3/4 would be cool.
Completing a marathon! I am currently marathon-ready, so it'd just be a matter of entering one. I run consistently 2-7 miles everyday, hitting that 25-35 weekly mileage.
Running an ultra would ask me to up that mileage to something more competitive: 60 miles/week.
I'm currently at 6:40 mile time. I've brought it down from 7:15 in a matter of a couple weeks, so not bad. 6:00 mile time is definitely attainable.
5:30 mile time would require me to actually hop on a training program. Maybe after I hit 6:00.
Working on important problems: health. Yes. I want to dedicate my life to solving this problem, especially if we look around at the state of America. This is such a big overlooked issue that involves people. Everybody wants to be healthy, but how do you build tools to help people get healthy?
I'm a software engineer by trade, so how can I use my competitive advantage to help people get healthy? And, make money while I'm doing it!
Health is a hard problem, but the only problems worth solving a hard ones.
I hope to the future... that we can solve this epidemic fast. Flat foot epidemic, Vitamin D epidemic, mental health epidemic, obesity epidemic, diabetes epidemic, cancer epidemic, ... etc.
My Life
I do not mind dedicating my life to health. I was a pre-medical student at one point. Now I understand why I was. At the time, I was unsure.
I want every human to be as healthy as possible. Mentally and physically.
Not a bad problem to dedicate a lifetime to.
