Feeling Awful
April 22nd, 2024
I feel awful. So bad.
What the hell happened? This morning I felt great. Now I feel like I want to sink into the bottom of the ocean.
I gently remind myself to dissociate from the thoughts and feelings. I gently remind myself to dissociate from it all.
Am I bipolar? Or am I just asthmatic? The thoughts race in my head and swirl down the drain.
It is as if the dream was interrupted.
I feel like I want to die.
No Longer Human, Again and Again
Disqualified, again and again and again. My disqualification keeps roping me in again and again and again.
I... no longer feel like a human being. I no longer feel like I can sit alongside the humanity.
I... think I will just go lay down and sleep. I am tired. I am tired of it all.
The words keep swirling out of my mouth and onto the page. It keeps staining the page black. I can't know but to say that I should stop myself before it all goes down the drain.
People
I don't... I don't understand people. Not anymore. I don't get it. I don't get it at all! I don't get it at all!
I just keep talking and they keep speaking over me. I just keep talking and they don't understand me.
I just stay silent and they brush me away. I just stay silent and they want me to go away!
I don't understand. I don't get it. I am breaking at the edges and seams and can't seem to understand it at all.
I am alienated from my fellow human being. I am ripping at the seams. Something unruly is inside me and it's getting agitated.
I don't feel human. I don't feel like a human being. I want to scream, but I have no ears to hear myself.
Do you want me away? Do you want me to stay? I just want to rip it all apart.
I... don't want to go outside anymore. I don't want to do anything at all.
A sweet death, and a sweet release. Something cold brushes against my shoulder. I can't seem to fathom what it is.
It's over before it even begun. I want to simply live without being.
The words. The abstractions. They're really coming at me today. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with it.
Disaster
I just want to be free from this feeling. It's an awful feeling. I just don't understand why I should be feeling this way. There is no rational explanation for why I should be feeling like this in an evolutionary perspective. It's not possible. It's just not possible. Why would God sentence me under---bound me---to suffer for no reason at all?
The only thing that has happened is my asthma flared up. The only thing. Inflammation. Suffering. Death. Wisdom. What is the truth of it all?
Freedom... freedom from humanity... freedom from evolution... freedom from the algorithm.... freedom from expectation... freedom from the illusion.
I... want to be free of this feeling.
