Feeling Awful Again
July 2nd, 2025
I feel awful. I went to work with no pretense of pretending to be happy. I have lost my care, and it feels as if the more I kept trying the worse I got.
I tried to be that motivated go-getter. But now. Now I just want a smoke.
I'm just tired. I want to be alone.
I'm on-call this week, but at this point, I don't even think it's the work. I really don't think so.
People remind me all the time -- the only thing constant is yourself. If I'm alway miserable, well, what's the common denominator?
They're right. I'm right. I always knew it deep down, but I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to believe that I hadn't grown out of it. I wanted to believe I had matured, of some sort, and changed out of my self-loathing. That oh, myself, and who I am, and how I feel... that... that all that therapy and friend-making, that it actually mattered and changed something fundamental in my psyche and soul. That there would be some perceivable difference in the world, and that I'd be able to move on with my life.
I'm just... I'm just depressed. I don't know why I even try.
Rethinking girlfriend, confidence, and whatever
I'm getting old. I pretended to be happy. I got that FAANG whatever job in Silicon Valley making goo-goo-ga-ga money. But. But...
Nothing's changed. I still feel just as shit before. I don't know. It's not because of whatever my parents said to me, or whatever happened to me. I just feel like shit, and I feel like the people in my life just...
I just. I just don't deserve any of it. I cannot stand it. Cognitively it makes sense to treat me well. I am a decent human being on the outside. I do not know why I feel so strongly such that I wish for it to all end.
I uh. I uh. I think I'm going to bed. I don't know. I just. I just feel like total shit.