Fear
February 11th, 2025
Dear reader, what do you fear?
Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of being outcasted? Alienated? Exiled? Do you feel that chill in your bones, those goosebumps forming, the dilation of the eyes, and the exasperated breathe as you gasp for air? Your stomach churning from inside out?
Are you afraid of being misunderstood? Being hit? Ridiculed? Not being enough? Abandoned? Are you afraid of being mistreated? Are you afriad of dying? Are you afraid of being sexually abused?
Are you afraid of abusing others? Are you afraid of yourself? Are you afraid of what you're capable of and incapable of? Are you afraid that of all the things in the world, that you will never find love?
I am afraid. I am deathly afraid of all those things. And I realizee now that all the emotions of the world are linked to fear. Anger is the emotion fear conjures when needs are not being met but they can be. Sadness is the emotion fear creates the fears come true.
Happiness is the emotion when the needs of fear are met. The things you need are met to make you feel safe and secure.
Love is those needs being met. Love and fear are opposites, but both are needed for one another. Love cannot happen without fear, for fear generates the need for love.
I'm afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of love. I'm afraid I'd abuse my loved ones again. I'm afraid I'm not enough. I'm afraid that I'll hurt people. I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned. I'm afraid that I'll be hit and abused. I'm afraid that I'll be attacked. I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid that I'll be exiled. I'm afraid that someone is going to kill me one of these days.
I'm so afraid of dying. I'm actually so afraid of other people. Anytime they can come and attack me.
My nervous system is so primed for fear because of my upbringing. I'm afraid and primed for so many things.
The thoughts race through my head, if all my actions are motivated by fear, and if those fears are gifts from my parents, then what? I am afraid of not being excellent? I'm afraid of not getting respect? I'm afraid of not having enough money?
I'm afraid of what exactly?
I feel it coarsing through my veins. I see it in other people too. What they're afraid of.
I'm afraid people will reject me if I say I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be exiled if I say I'm afraid. I fear losing my friends. I fear losing my loved ones. Is that not okay?
It's about what fears are justified and what are not.
And frankly, the culmination of my life experience justifies the fear. And the culmination of all life experiences justifies their own fears.
For every human being, their own fears are justified, because they have experienced a life that justifies it.
"A fear of abandonment for not being good enough."
"A fear of abandonment for not being there."
"A fear of losing time to mundane things that don't matter."
"I'm afraid that nobody will like me, that the world will attack and abuse me, and that everyone in my life will abandon me and leave me to die alone."
"And I'm justified in this fear because it happened to me."
And I'm in a position to understand people, because I've seen a lot of life, and I've seen a lot of things people fear. And I think their fears are justified. And I can show compassion for the things they're afraid of.
The way we act towards others is a question if we are fufilling our own fears, or if we are fulfilling the needs of their fears.
But it starts with me admitting I'm afraid. And I'm afraid of admitting I'm afraid. I'm a coward and I'm afraid of a lot of things.
What parents pass on to their children are fears about the world. Worldviews are built on fear. It's fear that transforms the mind and primes it for the world. Our brain is geared for survival, and fear is what lets us survive.
"Fear of missing out." "Fear of abandonment." "Fear of not being there." "Fear of being left out." "Fear of being the odd one out."
"Fear of failure." "Fear of not being enough." "Fear of being alone."
There are a lot of reasons in the world to be scared.
And what we can do as fellow human beings is to add to the flame or quell them.
You can lead by fear or by love - do you feed their fears and threaten them more? Or do you meet their needs so that they come to you to feel safe? They stay with you and feel safe with you?
What is love?
I asked again and again during my life what love was. I asked it laying the bathroom behind a locked door, while my mother was screaming and slamming the door. "What is love? What does it mean to love?"
It means to have your needs met. It means to be safe. It means that your fears are quelled.
When women say they want a man like a rock, that's what they mean. They want a man to attend to their fears. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being alone.
How to respond to fear
What do you do? Do you control your loved ones with fear to make sure they don't abandon you? Do you hit them?
Or do you be vulnerable and say, "I feel like you could abandon me, can you reassure me that you won't leave me?"
I accept the knot in my stomach. I accept my gag reflex to my emotions. I reflect how my lips dry and my hands dry when I'm panicking. I accept my panic attacks. I accept my fear and loathing. I accept my anger and my tears. I accept it all. It's because, well, these are all responses to my fears. And my fears are justified.