Emotions
October 2, 2022
Well, shit. My mom's going through menopause. I don't know why I needed to know that information, but she told me.
And she's utterly depressed with how her life is turning out (I'd be depressed too, oh wait.) I'm depressed too. It's horrible. Everything is just so terrible with her. She's trying so hard to connect with us because she's "becoming old and useless" (isn't that great, now my mom gets a feeling for how it felt when I was younger when she told me I was "small and useless,") but at the same time I feel it's an ego thing. She doesn't really care about what we're thinking about, just to fix her own image in her own mind. To put enough effort so she can say she tried to bond with us, but not enough to actually care.
I try to talk to her but she doesn't listen or connect. I feel like as her children we are her property. "Spending time together" really just means bringing your property along with you like a suitcase and going places without even acknowledging they exist.
When I tell her what's really bothering me and get in her face about it, she'll usually deflect all blame onto me and make me feel horrible. She'll tell me that I SHOULDN'T be so worked up or upset and to STOP it, even if it has NOTHING to do with her. She'll tell me to stop being so bothered and just LET it go. She's like the total opposite of a soccer mom, who's always on their kids side. She's always AGAINST me, no matter what I tell her about. She'll lecture and yell at me and even beat me if she finds out I've done something horrible. Fine. I let it go. I stopped telling her what's on my mind. Now all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy and she's the victim because I shut her out. You ever have someone like that in your life? It's a horrible experience.
It's like a shitty professor that encourages you to ask questions, but when you do they say you're retarded and should have looked it up. Why bother ask the professor anything?
I mean, yeah. Life is pretty shitty.
Look, I get it. Mother's are great. Father's are great. My mother and father paid my bills and fed me. Guess what? I'll be doing the same thing when they're old: don't you worry ever about that. But emotionally? They didn't pay me much, so I won't pay them back much either.
I know exactly what my debts are, and I will repay them. But only my debts.
It's so exhausting being around people who deny your emotions. I want to beat them to the pulp. You can't deny how someone feels and expect them to want to be around you.
Don't expect people to stick around if you deny how they feel. And you say they shouldn't feel a certain way. Sure, you can counsel them to act differently, but the moment you start denying emotions the more you start encouraging psychopathy and sociopathic behaviours (a.k.a, the kind of stuff that pops up when you suppress emotions for long enough.)
I got an interview
Yeah, I got an interview at a big techo company. No, not FAGMAN level, but close enough. It's a company you've probably heard of before.
Screwed up the on-site interview though. I got intimidated by the stone-faced interviewer who looked like they wanted to blow their brains out. Made a snide remark about my non-prestigous university. Made me kind of sad. I'm mostly a positive person on the outside, anyway.
I can't wait to go back to university clubs again. I just want to talk to some sane people in my life. God. I like my high school friends too. It's nice.
I need some company that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out. Jesus. Is that hard enough to ask for?
I feel like I've been at a spiritual rock bottom for my of my life. Will I ever be able to crawl out?
Every now and then I'll swing back into "ideation," as they call it. Like maybe multiple times a year. It's been like this since I was fourteen or thirteen. Somewhere along there I realized I didn't really like my reality all that much.
Y'know, I want to start a more tech-related blog. One where I'd outline more tech-related material and things I've come across. Like how to setup and build products and how to do these basic beginner things...
But the amount of editing I'd have to do to kill my writing style down to something more concise (not terse!,) it'd be ridiculous. I'd probably have an angry cursing blog if anything, just like we're fucking doing right now.
And of course, it'd be all over the place unless I heavily heavily edited it to be readable. Nothing like this here. You see from paragraph to paragraph the ideas jump to something completely unrelated? Like having a fucking trip, that's what this is.
Ever want to gaslight the people who gaslighted you?
Happens to me everyday. I'm pretty vengeful. All this built up hatred, it's frustrating...
God, I hate emotions. I need a break from her. She's so exhausting and I need to emotionally baby her EVERYWHERE WE GO. I can't speak my mind around her. I have to be tending to her needs and her feelings like she's some fucking giant baby. That's such an awful relationship to have with anybody, I wish anybody that has to do that to get the fuck away as fast as possible.
Can people just take responsibility for themselves? Is it really that hard? Stop putting your feelings on other people's platter, jesus FUCKING christ. Take responsibility for how you feel and stop fucking bothering the fuck out of other people with your shit UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ACTUAL HELP.
Look, there's a difference between counsel and then painting someone as an abuser. You share your emotions on someone else looking for advice on what to do, sure. Or even sharing for the sake of sharing. But if you put your emotions on someone else looking for anyway for them to hurt you so you can cry victim, holy FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. Wake up! Can you see what you're doing? You're trying to paint everybody as a fucking abuser so you can see yourself in some fucking holy light you FUCKING DEMON ABUSER.
A special place in hell for victim complex's and BPD and fucking bullshit like that. Fuck that shit.