Eleven eleven
November 11th, 2025
Eleven eleven twenty twenty-five.
Of all the girls I've thought of or at least dated in my life, let's see. My first elementary school crush. Riding on the school bus—waiting in the cafeteria for class to start with her, the chattering, the nervousness, the shyness, all of the creepiness I had bottled up—the girl in my clarinet class, who, at this point, is living an entirely different life I see on Instagram with a boy I don't know—S who played clarinet with me as well, she lives quite far now, in Ohio now I believe, I stalked her LinkedIn the other day, but I had a crush on her in high school, and so did she with me, but I just, I just couldn't find myself to overcome my fears of intimacy at that point—R, who, well, is my cousin, and that's a whole other story, but yes, I did have feelings, and I'd like to believe she shared them as well, but whatever the case was it's a fun memory to have—J, the girl in my thermodynamics, or was it physics class in university? She did come after me a few times, messaging me out of the blue, trying to revive the connection, but I just, I just could not overcome my fears. I felt paralyzed. Dysregulated. Those texts coming in, I knew what she wanted, but I just, I just couldn't seem to muster up the courage to show myself after the while. Oh, what was the name of that girl that chased after me, she pulled my email from the TA, who willingly gave my PII away, nevermind that violation, but she emailed me anyway, oh right, yes, it was J, she was Vietnamese. She Snapchatted me, but it fizzled out. Or rather, I was too scared to open up and text back if at all. It's funny, no? How my fears have hurt so many people. It's so frustrating. But it's likely she found someone else, honestly. Then there's V, the girl I had a crush on in AI class, she had a boyfriend though, so really, I don't think it mattered, plus she was very kind to me during graduation and was friendly, but I don't think much of the interaction, I think for the most part it's life. That's just life in general honestly. Then there's T, she was my (bisexual) lesbian friend from long ago, I don't talk to her much, I think rather I've scared her off, the late night texting about some inane silly fictional thing, or having a thing for old men, or admitting that she might have feelings for me or something of those lines, but my fear of things getting close just sabotaging things right down the middle before anything actually came about, and, oh—then my Hinge saga, with J, who I left standing in the rain in Golden Gate Park in front of the science building on the first date of my life, I just, I just felt so unprepared about it all that I failed so miserably, I cried and cried and cried. Oh by God, what had I done to that poor girl? But it's likely, with her friend group and support, she'd find a good man, I still remember the apology text I sent—oh what about that girl I asked to play Valorant with during my internship? That was an awkward e-date I suppose, I was non-verbal the whole time. That was quite funny in hindsight, but I am a fool really, just going about and hurting people by acting distant. It's hard. It's hard I suppose but it's the truth of it, no? Oh, and then there was the other girl, what was her name, it was K, who I found was quite intolerant of all, and lived so far away near Berryessa, we went to a Saturday festival where I felt dissociated from purchasing things there—then there was W, where we ate XLB in Mountain View, raced her hiking up Mt. Tam, and went climbing in Oakland. Oh, the memories are nice to relive now, now that I am in the safety of my home, but it's fun, no? It's fun that the times came to an end, when she said she didn't want to do it anymore, probably because my insecurities were growing, and I felt even more the more controlling and awkward and weak. I notice that too, when girls see how physically weak I am, how, as in Proust's time, they would've called me an invalid, that I would have all the more to invalidate my relationships. Oh, and then there was A, the depressed girl from the nearby university, she was depressed and moody and negative and looking for better work, I wish her the best, but I did not want that energy in my life—then there was L, of course L, we ate in Japantown, how many Japantown dates we had, was it only two? I suppose only two Japantown dates was not much, but it was awkward, and I didn't really feel like opening up, and I just didn't feel that spark or connection I suppose, but I tried inviting her out thrice to no avail, but she invited me one more time, but I was meeting up with J that weekend, and I felt that the dates weren't going that well anyway, so I declined her, and well, it fizzled out. I suppose that's ghosting in one way or another. Then finally, there's J, who I just talked about yesterday.
That's quite a lot of experiences now that I think about it. I just, well, I just can't seem to overcome myself. And all of these likes were shallow likes anyway. I never really connected with any of these people on a human level. They knew my face, but they didn't know Lanhful.
Maybe that's for the better. It's comedy I'm still a virgin and haven't had a long-lasting relationship.
It's probably because of the color of my soul. And my insecurities. And my disorganized attachment. And my nervous system. Dysregulated.
Or comedy. I like the comedy explanation quite a bit.
At some point most all these girls have thought I was cute. Funny how life works, right? Well. Live and let love. And if love frightens you and triggers you to have a panic attack, wonderful.