Downspiral
April 26th, 2024
"I just kept thinking that when human beings get that way, they're no good for anything"
Well, so much for getting better. Why do I feel as if the world came crashing down?
The words "Alexa, play Space Song" echo in my skull. I hope some sort of meta-comedy can make some hope of how I feel. It's clear my diet's been disrupted or something. Maybe the illusion is going away. The truth is coming back? Or perhaps I am truly insane.
The words are ringing in my skull. I feel like utter, utter shit. I feel as if the world should do better off without people like me. I feel as if once again, I find myself alone, as if in some narcissistic fetish I am isolating myself, as if I enjoy feeling shit like this, as if the whole world came crashing down on me with a spiral of hormones, as if I like feeling this way, and as if there were some teeth and bark in the way I treat myself.
“I thought, “I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.”
I Just Can't Catch a Break
I... have to keep going, don't I? Even though I feel this way. What choice do I have?
I just keep wronging everyone. I don't understand why I can't relate to a single soul on this planet. The alienation I feel against the surface ripples of this reality, I cannot bear to see my reflection in the water. It's me. I'm the problem. I'm the dirt in the mirror.
I must have killed many innocent children in my past life.
I can't do this anymore. I need a break. No more explanations. No more descriptions. No more abstractions. No more words. I'm just going to sit in a room without a thought in mind.