Dissociation
October 24th, 2025
I started having panic attacks again, and dissociation.
I went work today. Well, I didn't go in. I stayed at home. I worked from home. There I could see from my window the Ferry Building.
In the morning, I went for a run. I skipped breakfast and headed out the door. I stopped to listen to music in front of the Ferry Building. I gave them a dollar. I found it peculiar that street musicians had Venmo's now.
As I jogged along the Embarkment I saw rays of sunlight shining down on the boats harbored in the San Francisco Bay. God rays, as they call it. I am not sure what divinity is of the above, but surely I saw the gesture towards humanity's mysticism in that harborview. I passed by dozens of homeless on Embarcadero Street.
At nine I make it back for early Friday meetings, and then continue to work throughout the day, answering queries and escalations. I look out the window from time to time to check that the sun is still there.
For lunch, I stepped out around one and ate at a local Korean homestyle joint. I had their beef bibambap stone bowl, and I devoured it with a cold water. Then, I figured I had time and went for a nice walk around the Ferry Building.
There I saw the tourists and the happy smiles they had on their faces. It's amazing what vacations can do for you. I thought to myself, "Why do people dislike tourists? They are so happy, the energy they share is quite nice."
I walked by the spot I bought avocado-fed bacon last week. I will be revisiting the stall again this week to devour more of these healthy fats.
In the evening, I found that an air conditioning unit was on sale in Hayward for dirt cheap. I decided to BART over, and then Uber the air conditioner to my place.
As I sat on the BART, I looked out the window. There were dangerous fellows on the BART, but nobody paid attention to me. When I landed in Hayward, I took off my jewelry and watch and put it in my pocket, because the area I was in had bars around their doors.
I paid my price for the air conditioner from a Mexican mom of what seemed to be six hooligans. They were a rowdy bunch, and I assumed they must have had some Red 40 in their system. I found it funny.
My Uber driver picked me up, and asked my age. He wanted to verify I was at least eighteen. I was.
He was an Afghani man who fled the country just four years ago. He was a manager back then, and I concluded he had a sum of wealth, enough to buy his children cars and send them to school.
But after the war, he had fled the country as a refugee. Now he drives Ubers, and wants to find ways to make money on his own. He says he's looking into online businesses and was looking for tech advice.
I, honestly, was having a panic attack, for some odd reason. I believe the lack of food and sleep put me in a bad mental state. I started to constrict at the throat as I usually do when anxious.
I thanked him and tipped him 40%. I got my A/C up to the apartment and thanked God. This thing is a Godsend.