Back

Komm, Susser Tod

February 25th, 2025

Today I woke up and went for a two and a half mile walk. I stopped by a nearby convienence store to pickup toothpaste.

This morning I made myself beans and rice with oysters and sauerkraut paired with a green smoothie shake. A meal that meets my desired thirty grams of fiber.

Every strand of flesh in my body is screaming at myself in agony, rage, and hate. I want to gouge one of my eyes and slice my stomach open. But today was okay otherwise.

At work I focused on not stressing out on my work. I tried to take it easy and to feel more relaxed at the desk. Just trying to do my tasks, albeit a little slower, but steadily getting them done whenever they can be.

My manager seems to notice that I am less stressed than usual, and has begun harping work on me past work hours. It's pissing me off that I can't just relax a day at work without having more labor piled on me. I have to "act stressed."

My senior routinely checks up on me, since I consistently make mistakes on my project. I know I am incompetent. I know I am not a good software engineer. I don't have the assertiveness to show it. I'm aware. I'm painfully aware.

I am no perfect man. And the thought of it does make me suicidal. And I'm aware of how troublesome being so prone to self-harm is. That's why I don't tell anyone. It's actually a burden. I know because my mother did it to me. Depression is contagious.

I know that people care about me. I know that they think I'm worth caring for.
This world is so, so kind. This world is so kind to me.
The problem is me.

I keep reminding myself that we'll all die one day, and that thought floating in my mind soothes me. Life's already so short enough, there's no rush.

I'm utterly alone in this world because I want it that way. I choose it that way, because I know I'd just hurt people the more they got close to me. Because I believe I'm trash, and that I should throw myself off a building constantly, and I know how worthless and exhausting that's to be around.

The morning walks and runs are helping though. I'm trying to pickup volunteering again so I feel better about myself. And sleeping on time, speaking of which, I will be heading to bed now. Goodnight, sweet reader.

"No. I didn't cry ... I just kept thinking that when human beings get that way, they're no good for anything." - Osamu Dazai

Before I go

I need to state my daily affirmations:

  1. I'm glad I had lunch with my coworkers.
  2. I'm glad that I talked to my coworker friends.
  3. I'm glad that I didn't stress as much at work.
  4. I'm glad that I've accepted that I could get fired at any moment.
  5. I'm glad that I've accepted that I will die one day and the peace it'll bring me.
  6. I'm glad for French medleys, they always bring peace to my soul. La vie en rose.
  7. I'm glad I made breakfast for myself and ate something healthy.
  8. I'm glad I got fruit at lunch to feed myself more nutrients.
  9. I'm glad I did a dead-hang in the park this morning.
  10. I'm glad I got to talk to my friend at dinner today.
  11. I'm glad that this moment lasted a little bit longer, that this dream of a life lasted just a few seconds more, just before the blip of eternity eclipses my periphery and brings me sweet peace.

I wish, I wish that I were normal. I wish with all my heart. I am taking steps to be normal, but sometimes I still fall deep down. Like right now.

Cheers, sweet reader.