Depression Again
October 23rd, 2025
Today I lashed out at a principal engineer. I didn't want to implement what he was suggesting.
Sometimes I wonder why I am the case, and why everyday isn't perfect. But today just wasn't that day.
I was overly agitated, probably from losing sleep last night.
My mind races, "What happens when you have kids? Will you lash out like that? You know you cannot do that." It is as if my father were right there again, telling me exactly what he'd always tell me.
I accept. I accept that I will be agitated. I accept that I will lash out at people. I accept it. For that is what I have been, and that is what I am at that very moment.
It's okay. Because that's how it is. I'm tired and hungry. And I'm sick of my coworker always sticking his nose in my business and stirring up trouble.
It's not blind acceptance, but understanding. Yes, I don't have a lot of sleep. So just be agitated.
Inconsistency and dishonesty in the self is what causes most issue to be honest. It's about being honest with who you are.
I'm someone who's prideful. Yeah. I'll say it. I have a big ego. And I get agitated when my routine is disrupted. And I have a need to exercise.
We shouldn't have to do this because we don't own that component. We don't! I don't understand it. Why are we taking on the work to push this issue. We keep taking more and more ownership when this isn't what we own. We are expanding the charter, but at what cost? At the cost of my sanity?
Maturity
We'll die at some point. To me, that's what "maturity" really means. When you understand we'll die one day.
These words that people say, what really matters in the face of death?
"Language is the house of being." And by living by others words, you give yourself away.