Crazy Thoughts
February 15th, 2026
I have a lot more left field thoughts, but they in general make sense. But anyway what's happened:
- C has met my friends
- Asked C out on Valentine's Day
- Turns out C is much more judgemental than I initially thought
- I realize that she has a strong sense of right and wrong
- And she is not curious of others, I am wondering if this was the right choice
- We spend a lot of time at my apartment rather than doing things, and I don't like that
- She seems stuck reminiscing in the past, what about the now? There's so much to be done
Perhaps it's the feelings I am avoiding, and the avoidant in me looking for flaws. The flaws are there, and there is nobody perfect. But do I like who I become around her? I feel like I become quieter. I push more and more of myself down.
I say flaws, but perhaps she's simply this way. I do feel more judgemental when I'm with her, and I suppose that's okay too. But the point being is, is this the kind of person I want to be? Is this the kind of person I want to be brought out?
And I realize that, well, she's not all that... inspiring. Maybe I am not either, but really, who is?
I realize now that the issue isn't her, it's the me who's with her. Am I being someone who's good? Is this change the direction I want to go?
And I realize the deeper I go, is there going to be more changes in me that I like or dislike?
Decisions need to be made, and if I'm going to rely on other people to change who I am and my behavior, then what?
If I spend more time cooking, then what? My time is very limited, and I work a lot.
Is this the life and direction I want to go? I wonder. I wonder a lot.
I realize in most of my dating and relationships I kind of just submerge myself and suffocate myself into nothingness. I push and I don't get any pushback in return, I don't want to push anymore.
It's a courtesey thing, if you can't handle being emotionally pushed I won't do it. Then the relationship will get dry.
Perhaps a little judgement here won't harm me, it's the right direction.
Perhaps I am happy and unhappy at the same time feeling and thinking about her. She's got positives like being cheerful, optimistic, innocent, and sweet. She's got these positives, but at the same time she seems to be keeping herself busy. Heavily judgemental though, and a strong sense of right and wrong.
Time Blocking
I'm getting overwhelmed with all the things I need to do. I get up, go to do chores, oh, I need to hang the curtains. Oops. Oh, I need to shower. Oh, I need to run.
I need to block out time for myself, on a sheet of paper, so that I know what I'm going to accomplish in the day. Just having that information in mind would be incredibly helpful.
Providing Value to Conversation
Asking questions about who they are, and what they do. Ask what they're interested in, and then provide information in what they're interested in. If no information, ask thoughtful questions that might change the course of action or behavior, or ask them to introspect for a moment.
But to do this in a state of curiosity, and a state of wanting to help others. Not in a state of proving the ego right, or that the ego is useful. There's a lodge in my throat, and it feels nasty.
I think when I have bad energy, it kind of just builds up, and I start spreading that energy. I've got to start doing things that unstuck the phlegm in my throat if that makes sense.
Like my relationship with my girlfriend. I think that I'm walking on eggshells around her, because she's so soft. And because I'm not brave or courageous enough to be myself. It's a balance—I see how judgemental she is of others, and I don't feel safe being myself around her.
I suppose that these are my feelings, and nothing she does can control my feelings. I can't control my feelings. I'm losing sight over what is mine and what is hers to be honest, and I think I need to redraw that boundary.
She cannot make me happy. I cannot make her happy. What we can do is engage with one another with respect to each others feelings. Feelings may come, and I may feel one way or another, but again, feelings are just signals.
They're signals from lived past experiences, whether or not those past experiences are accurate to the truth or not, I know not, the only thing I can trust is the power of now. I must ask her for confirmation, and I must continue to act in my best self-interests and in what I want.
Because I am myself, and she is her. We are two different people entirely.
Understanding that these thoughts and criticisms come from feelings of avoidance, feelings of being unheard, and feelings of being abandoned. I am fearful, and I am afraid.
There are four emotions you can feel: mad, glad, sad, and afraid. All emotions are a combination of these base emotions. Currently I am a little mad and a little afraid. And knowing that alone is enough.
Seeing myself for who I am, seeing myself for what I feel. An acting towards a direction of right and wrong.
I don't believe in villains
I believe in not enough information being passed around, and not being understood well enough.
It's a strange thing really.