Chess with Friends
June 29th, 2025
I finally enjoyed some other people's company. I realize... I'm kind of a stoner lol.
My real voice kind of drags a bit, and it's not really that energetic or peppy. It's tired, and kind of like, what's good man.
I mean like... it's like how I talk on this damn blog. It's like, chill man. At work I try so hard to be energetic and preppy like I'm at some sort of nightmare HappyLand that it might scare people off. I think it's really fake, and like, really man, like what the hell is it going to be on about.
I remember that my coworker friends here, they're not my real friends. They wouldn't stick with me if I weren't ambitious or if I were failing. They aren't friend friends in the sense of Hangover the movie friends, nor are they like real friends who'd do anything to get you out of a shithole.
Like damn, these guys, I fucking love these guys and I love being around these guys. Sure, they aren't the most ambitious people in the world, and sure, they aren't that successful with women, and sure, they hold some pretty crazy views of the world, but damn, they make me feel good. They make me feel comfortable. Not good in that I'm better than them, but fuck, good in the sense that none of the shit I do in real life matters to even be better or worse than them, because I'm still chums with these guys and I fucking love that nothing I do will change that. They are my high school buddies, when we both knew each other when we weren't anything at all, and even if we are something now, nothing will change that fact. Ever.
I'm going to start applying to different jobs. This manager and team has been killing my confidence, and honestly, that's the last thing we want to do at the beginning of any career. I'll need thicker skin going in, but initially I let my guard down because of how nice and welcoming my internship experience was at this company.
I'll be more on my guard, and share less how I feel. I'll be more myself, and realizing, that this, all this, isn't really going to last forever. I'm going to start LeetCoding and system design interview prep, alongside getting my line items in.
Do what you can, because that's all you can really do.
And there's no shame in that. There's no shame in being enough, in being not enough, and in being too little, or too much.
Just hop on Discord and just play a couple rounds of Chess. You'll feel better, I swear.