Change
February 18th, 2023
I affirm that I can change. That's first and foremost.
I don't have to play the role of a chicken-tender loving mommy-dependent basement loser. I can be anything I want.
At least, over the past year, I've identified that my inner thoughts aren't the healthiest. Or are they true at most points in time.
I've also identified that my parents are majorly insecure themselves. They're overly reliant on me and my siblings for emotionally stability. Their identities are tied to being mother and father. An empty nest is life-threatening.
In hindsight, my parents aren't so bad now. They were definitely bad back then when I was a child, but now they don't bother me much. (Probably because I don't give them any gunpowder to threaten me with anymore. How can you be upset with me if you don't know me?)
They gave me a better childhood than they had. Definitely. They lived through hell. I guess I went through nothing compared to them. My life on easy mode. I guess. Why'd I turn out such a bad apple then? Sigh. I guess the solution here isn't to find fault in them or me. To accept the gravity of the situation and continue on with brevity.
If I claim it as my fault, I'd find myself in a deep hole of self-loathing and wallowing. Eventually, I'd find myself in a hospital. I'd rather not. I'd rather try to see it as it is, and just figure out the reality from there. No more emotions clouding the mind.
Blood Relations
My parents taught me that friends are temporary. Family is forever and more important. "Blood is thicker than water."
But to be honest, out of my twenty to thirty uncles and aunts, I think I'd only trust one or two of them. My grandmothers I care for but don't involve in my problems.
My cousins, oh God. Don't get me started. All they care about is money. I used to be fairly loyal to them, but I realized they didn't care about me as much as I did about them.
So to be fair, I don't really feel like I can rely on many if at all. If I ran out of money and had to live somewhere, I'd probably have to rely on my parents and give them control over my life again.
I feel like this "asian parenting" dates back to a time of a lack of resources. Where children have to be strictly equipped with a means to survive by getting an education. And, parents needed their children to permanently live with them for support. Beating kids, sexually abusing kids, emotionally abusing kids, and so on. Jeez. It's a never ending cycle.
And then, the children would go onto smoking, drinking, wife-beating, and prostitutes to get along with life. I feel like that's how life is in a low-resource competitive environments in general. But it's not like that anymore. At least blessed with this life in America. I wish that my parents could just be thankful for the life they have and adapt. Show a little gratitude. Appreciate. Enjoy.
But the need to retain wealth is just another form of anxiety. Not having money is anxiety. Having money is anxiety. It's a never-ending cycle of suffering. Needing to prepare and control the children just switches from anxiety to anxiety. It's all fear and anxiety-based. This life my parents have lived. This life they've laid out for me. Frankly, it's horrible. A never-ending current of deathly anxiety. Oh! How everything can go wrong! And how everything WILL go wrong!
It's not like I could do a better job than my parents anyway. Maybe not having children is the right decision to make. Why would I need a child anyway?
Going Easy on Myself
The biggest change that must happen is my judgementalness. I'm overly judgemental. To myself, to the people around me, to even the world around me. Constantly making judgements on what's wrong with them.
But I don't think anymore musing on it in the realm of words will do me any good. If there's one thing I've noticed about this world, is that mind tends to follow body.
What I mean, is that if you want to enact change you can't physically keep doing the same thing. Something's got to change. For someone who lives like a pseudo-NEET, this is a wild realization.
Going on walks. Lifting weights. Climbing rocks. Taking a hike. Talking to friends. Playing board games. Laughing at a joke. Getting hit in the face. Fighting a friend. Drawing fantasy. Wrestling a rock. I don't know.
Doing stuff like that is living life.
I'm going to make a change in my life.