Boredom
June 10, 2022
I'm not quite sure what to do. I have a lot of time after work and before work, yet I can't get myself moving. I think it's a problem of motivation.
I just don't feel motivated to do anything.
Do you ever get bored? What do you think about when you're bored? What's your natural instinct? Chances are you probably do exactly what your parents or guardian did when they were bored. You learned somewhere what the proper response to boredom was, maybe through a natural instinct of gravitating towards social media (engineered to take your attention) or maybe you were taught to go find a book.
I've been reading a book called The Psychology of Money and it's pretty good. It re-hashes the same old "muh compounding interest" lesson over again but it has a fair detail on how luck factors into success that I enjoyed. Still bored though.
Maybe it's a seasonal depression. I haven't gotten outside in a while and gone for a good run, the neighborhood I'm in isn't the greatest. I'd like a way to make lots of money with my skills but I feel I haven't got a good project to quite work one. Hence, why I'm updating this blog so non-chalantly.
I think hopefully when my brain kicks back into gear I'll update this blog less. Haha. It's not exactly the most productive thing to read but here it is.
I have the urge to pop on Omegle or VRChat, but whenever I do, I get sort of shy. I'm not sure why, especially since I'm so friendly in real life. I just feel a slight discomfort barging into other people's social groups and making a spectacle of myself. Nor do I like talking one on one with people. If I do, it'd preferably be through text. I can't seem to speak my mind amongst a load of people or through a single person.
It might stem from childhood, that natural shyness. And the way my mother always verbally encouraged me to speak my mind, but never to her. I thought about it today, but if someone doesn't feel comfortable speaking their mind to one of the people closest to them in life, then what's the point of having people close to you? How could you even expect them to speak their mind to a stranger? Strange, isn't it?
But enough with the excuses. I know most people have a tendency to avoid the negative, toxic people. There are a lot of things I'm starting to realize that people do but will never admit to doing because it's taboo or it makes them look bad. I have no problem looking bad, so I readily admit what I do wrong on a day-to-day basis.
I feel discrimination along the lines of sex and race are inevitably going to happen. A baby recognizes that two people's faces look significantly different, a toddler will make a comment on it. It's not that the interpretation is necessarily negative, it's that the perception of seeing a different will cause the baby or toddler to treat one different from the other one.
I also read research on how it's easier to tell people apart if they are the same race. Things like that make me sort of feel that a diverse melting pot of people might not be possible in the long run. In America, I see how self-segregated all these people are. In the workplaces where diversity is promoted, yes, people of different background can co-exist, but they rarely speak to one another outside of work. There are totally segregated communities in the city I live (e.g. this area is the Mexican area, this area is Chinatown, etc.) Is a truly colorblind world even possible?
I guess that's what I'm getting at, and what a lot of people realize deep down inside unconsciously. We self-segregate and will continue to do so as long as we don't look like one another. I recognize it's wrong in that it doesn't follow with Enlightenment principles that everyone is equal, but I realize such an idealistic world probably won't happen in my lifetime or my son's lifetime. If I even manage to have a son.
And the whole gender thing... I'm afraid I might touch a few nerves. But that's fine, this is anonymous after all. I do think that people of different genders are, well, different. Massively different without a doubt. Is it enough to warrant treating one different than the other? Perhaps. Perhaps, I think, it is. Consider two twins, one male, one female. The lives they will live will be similar enough, but knowingly be quite different. There's no way they'll come out of the sixty years they have on this planet remotely similar. The way the world treats men and the way the world treats women is completely different. And, the fact is, the reason that is is not because of culture, rather it's just raw biology. On average, due to hormones men are going to chase women. That alone, probably will account for all the difference. Most women will live their lives being hit on, while most men will never be hit on in their lives. The way women value conversations and the way men value random conversations from there on will naturally be very different. Women will be wary of most random men starting a conversation, while men will usually welcome any random conversation as long as there is no ulterior motive of money or if they are busy. That's just my observation.
I was taught at a young age that being a boy meant having a lot of responsibilities of treating women right. As a pre-teen, I wasn't sure what that meant. Even now I don't know what that means, but for sure, I'm not doing a good job of it. I don't really talk to any women. I wouldn't know what to say. Now, don't crucify me here and proclaim, "Just talk to them like you'd talk to a dude!!" Well, I don't think she wants to hear how she's a bro and what programming frameworks are up and coming or what video games are awesome. Maybe if she's a programmer? But statistically speaking, what are the chances she is a programmer? What are the chances she's a gamer? Probably nil. I participate in male dominated spaces, so naturally I won't talk to any women. Is there anything wrong with that?
Most people will say, yes, but honestly, meh. I think it'd be nice to find a women to sate that voice telling me to go find a mate and perhaps to fulfill societies' expectation and not seem like a total basement loser, but honestly besides that I don't think I have a strong desire to. Imagine sharing your life with someone 24/7 and always having to talk to them, appease them, entertain them, and feed them. Then you have to listen to them complain or whine or yell at you all day. I'm not sure if that's a bargain deal at all to be honest. Pfft, I'm probably just a fox complaining about sour grapes at this point. Of course I'd want to marry. Yeah.
Maybe I've been drinking too much of the /r nine k/ kool-aid. Maybe, maybe. I've become a bit misogynistic, haven't I? Well, that's kind of what happens when you're so far detached from society. And, of course, it's my fault that I turned out like this, but it is what it is.
But that may be the root cause of my boredom. I have nobody to share my life with. Not that, my life is really all that worth sharing, but maybe that's the itch I really need. It'd be nice to have someone egg me on and say, "Get on with your life!" I could really use that right now.
I guess, that's kind of why I started this blog too. To just blabber about and get my brain working again. To maybe, figure out a better way to share my life. Well, it's getting late, so I'll call it a night.
Until next time,
Lanhful