Blistering Self-hatred
March 14th, 2025
To be succinct, I'm beginning to realize that this whole therapy thing hasn't been helping much. In fact, the best improvements I've had were when I was consistent about my diet, exercise, and sleep with the zealotry of a Mormon missionary. In that I respect my body, and therefore I come to respect my mind. To off-shore all responsibility to the body, to the things I can without a doubt change, instead of focusing on the mental processes that continue to plague me.
Perhaps that the answer after all is to physically be as strong as possible. Tomorrow I will run the slowest marathon known to man, but I will run it.
I will go back to lifting weights, and I will eat a shitton of food to prepare.
Perhaps I cannot control my mood, and therefore by all means I cannot blame myself for the shortcomings of being mentally moody and unstable. Thanks mom. Thanks dad. I miss you guys, but you guys hurt me a lot, and likely will continue to hurt me unless I learn how to respectfully stand my ground.
I will sleep exactly around nine o' clock or eight thirty ish. I should go and eat healthy vegetables and remember to bulk up.
I ate dairy today, which sort of explains why I am so invariably depressed. But it is when my mood is softened like this do I really let everything pour out.
I need to just let my body feel itself. And probably I need to start writing in other ways that make more sense. More journalistic writing, perhaps doing research on random topics again will make me all the more better.
Fantasy
Where is the fantasy? Sometimes I fantasize about... let's not talk about what I fantasize about. That might actually indict me.