Bittersweet
August 18th, 2025
I am twenty-five years old. Ask me if I care anymore to count the years, and I am torn at the seams. A part of me thinks it is all-important I act my age, as someone definitively no longer in any adolescence, but another part of me gently reminds me that I am simply too old to care what other people think what my age is supposed to mean.
I went to a subculture EDM rave yesterday. A part of me whispered I was too old to be making a fool out of myself in the pit. But a part of me told me I'm way too old to care what people think of me.
I look at all the sex sex sex sex obsession, and I don't feel it myself anymore. Now I just see couples and just wish the best for them.
I'm playing bittersweet anime-esque melancholic piano music on YouTube with titles like "Do you still think about me too?" The vibes of my old high school days where I'd violently fall in limerence with other people.
I don't think I've felt that passion in such a long time. People say that life is better without that, but to be honest, I think that's really the only reason worth living. The butterflies in your stomach, and the warmth of having hold someone you care about close to your chest.
Preparing for White Collar Work
What I wish someone had told me, was to never let your teenage self go. Don't smooth all your edges, because with it you remove yourself. You take yourself out of the equation, and you'll become less creative, less innovative, and less, well, you.
Startup environments seem to let individuality and uniqueness rip still, but enter the cog in the machine enterprise large-scale work, and soon enough you'll be smothered by the culture and pressing needs to be a well-oiled conversationalist.
You'll be a people-pleasing white-collar worker wannabe who'll never offend and always has that safe, fun milquetoast humor. Nothing wrong if that's who you are, but there comes a point of self-denial so much.
I still am that angsty and edgy teen. I still want to goon to anime chicks and find me a cosplay baddie. I don't really care for corporate shenanigans and politik, and all this and that, I want a cosplay BADDIE.
Insatiable Sex Drive
I just realized I was missing the sex drive for the past year. Something about not having sex and not getting sunlight and not having fun and doing dopamine-inducing activities... just... killed my lust for life.
Lust is the strongest motivator, and I do hope I can keep it, because I'll be needing more of it where I'm going. Sex and lust and sex and lust is what's needed.
Strange, isn't it? But with life we go through all these twists and turns. Today, my teenage self was right to indulge and have emotions and feelings and ups and downs, and sure, it's less reliable from an outside perspective, but I couldn't find the motivation to do anything at all if it weren't the case.
For when I'm very steady and emotionless, I tend to tune out everything and not feel the need to do anything at all. It's a sad vegetative state, and I hope nobody has to experience that for long periods of their life.