Being Emotionally Detached
December 15th, 2024
You forget what you don't pay attention to, and I honestly forget most of my life. I don't really experience it like a novel, or like a play, or anything with a coheresive story. It appears I just abstract it to the goals and lessons and focus on that.
Not a bad thing, because I keep moving forward. But I don't pay attention to the people around me. I don't emotionally invest in the people around me. Maybe because it's a way of emotionally distancing myself and not getting attached that keeps my head afloat without pain.
But it's the pain that's worth savoring, isn't it? The most memorable portions of my life were the most painful, not the most happy.
I just don't emotionally connect with people. I think that's why I don't feel like I have friends. I don't let myself get swayed and attached, I don't grow fond or not fond. I am just disinterested and ignorant, I am just indifferent and apathetic.
What a sad way to live. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize that I've been living this way, so disinterested and half-assed. It's such a horrible thing to do.
Fawn and freeze, perhaps, perhaps that yes, in a way, my childhood trauma still lingers in my fundamental view of the world.
Yesterday
I was supposed to go hiking after a company party. I called up my coworkers and asked if they wanted to go for a hike---but they cancelled on me (they invited me, odd!) I didn't press further into the matter.
I made a quick stop at Costco and bought a rotissierie chicken while making my brown rice barley sweet potato carbohydrate combo in the pressure cooker. I also ran the laundry while going to Costco, finally cleaning out my depression nest. It smells a bit in my room, and I'm aware, it's just that I've been depressed every since my grandmother has been terminal these past few weeks. It's just hard. I can't get the words, and I just feel sick. I haven't been exercising or doing anything of the sort to keep myself healthy.
I know it's a bit cold and dispassionate to myself, but if in the future I react this way to someone close in my family passing, I am not going to be a healthy human being. Lots of depression nests that are coming.
I went home and had my lunch, high in magnesium. Then started a stopwatch and watched the time tick away while burning it watching shorts. I decided to go barefoot hiking in the hills nearby, and took an hour commute to get there. When I was there, nobody was out there since it was cold (almost freezing,) damp, moist, and misting. I had showed up in crocs prepared to barefoot hike, of which I did.
The gravel was sharp. But I kept walking. I probably walked a mile out there in the mountains. The ground was cold and sharp, and the trail was muddy in places my feet imprinted there. You could see my toes in the mud.
It was cold. So cold. I can't believe I had done that to my body, but I had enough. I needed to feel something. Pain especially. I just needed to feel something to wake me up and shake me.
I walked and walked on cold gravel up and down the hills. On a pain scale I'd say it was ten times worse than stepping on legos, but I kept going.
Then I saw a wolf, or was a coyote, cross my path. I didn't know if that was a good sign so I froze. It was the size of a very large dog. If it were hungry, it probably would've killed me. But I waited, and waited, and nothing happened, so I kept going.
I decided to turn back as the sun was setting---not that I could see the sun since the clouds blocked the entire sky. Mist and rain were pouring on me and my coat, so I headed back.
I met a few passerbys, the first set appeared curious but not inquisitive. The second set, two young men, acknowledged me when I said hello and said nothing more. Though when I turned around they were taking a photo of me. I waved at them and kept going forward.
When I got in the car, my feet were freezing cold. Socks were perhaps man's most important invention.
Today
Today I heated up some eggs and sardines. I ate a heavy breakfast, and went for an eight mile trek. I tried jogging it, but my lungs wouldn't cooperate today, so I decided to complete it walking. When I finished, I was so exhausted I was irritable and grumpy.
For some reason, I used to be happy doing cardio. Now I feel tired and irritable. My mother called as I was getting Mediterranean lunch, and I took out a bit of my irritability against her. I was trying to set my boundaries.
I went home and laid down. I was so tired. I don't think I'll be able to do cardio before work, I just get drained afterwards.
I forgot to buy a pad to sleep on. The ground is getting colder, and my sleeping mat isn't as comfortable anymore. Maybe I can just layer on a few towels to get me some more insulation.
Behaviours that'll follow me wherever I go
Sometimes I'll slip back into fawning behaviour again. I catch myself doing it a lot, and it's frustrating.