Being an adult
December 10th, 2024
I can slowly see myself transitioning into a drunkard or a cigarette addict. I think that's the way most men swallow their feelings.
There's a lot of pressure from everywhere, you know? It feels like you're in charge of your family, you're in charge of getting food on the table, and at any moment that could just go up in flames, and you're responsible.
Taking responsibility wasn't something I was used to until I started working. When I started working I started taking responsibility for everything, and it felt good to be honest. But it started to get overwhelming, and I started to get flabbergasted, especially at my own incompetency.
Am I just a manchild? Should I just kill myself now? Run away and end it all?
I just, here I am, just, not taking responsibility for myself and my life. It's just so, so depressing. I don't know how anyone can go through life without hating themselves to death.
Somehow, people like people that love themselves more than anything. Why is that?
I just, I just can't seem to fathom or get to where I need to be.
I know what I should look like
It makes me laugh, how I got into a position of so much responsibility. It makes me laugh a lot. Because the reason I got here is because I know exactly what I should be like. I know exactly how I should act, and I know exactly what needs to be done and when it needs to be done.
I just, I just don't have the courage to act that way. Maybe it's because I believe I'm not that. That I'm just a farce, or some sort of act, or some sort of masturbatory narcissism. I don't know.
I hate how narcissistic I am.
Finishing dinner
I am responsible for how I feel. And I am responsible for taking action on those feelings.
I have an uncle as a good role model --- take responsibility, and you will be rewarded with responsibility.