Another Day
September 9th, 2025
This morning I awoke at 3 AM. It was strange because there wasn't any loud noise or any COPD flares to cause it. The night prior, I went to bed around 10 PM after about two hours of cleaning and doing laundry. I had caught up and wiped the whole studio clean and folded all my laundry.
I woke to watch some sexy Chinese douyin ladies dancing on my Instagram Reels feed. After being a horny gooner, I went to make breakfast: a hearty bean-legume mix, beef liver fried in extra virgin olive oil and a scoop of tallow, a can of sardines, and a basket of dark leafy greens, not limited to kale, spinach, and parsley. Afterwards, I ate half an avocado, and drank a powdered drink with flax seeds, chia seeds, and eggshell powder alongside my daily supplements.
I showered to get the warm grime off me, my apartment is rather hot. I put some exercise clothes on, packed some goodies for the climbing gym, and headed out on a rented bike.
At the climbing gym, I did a couple V2s and slowly regained the confidence I had climbing before. There was a cute girl, in fact, there were a lot of cute girls at the climbing gym. But for some reason that morning I was content just climbing.
I showered at the climbing gym again. There was a naked guy walking into the shower as I stepped out, luckily he had a towel over his Jimmy.
I walked to the train station and hopped on. Busy as usual. Another cute girl caught my glance. She had a short bob, and she had a tomboyish fashion.
Looking at some of the older folks on the train, I realize you come to an age where you just get tired of the emotions and your days sort of just blend. Nothing particularly important in that moment on the train in their eyes, rather, thinking of someplace else more important. No more checking out cute girls or cute boys on the train, just work and responsibility.
When I got to work, it was just another day. A coworker messaged me about the avocados the cafeteria had. I said hello to my coworkers and friends. I pumped out a lot of pull requests and code, and responded to Slack threads as they came up.
At my desk I was very horny. I was checking out my coworker because she was so damn cute. I think I've caught a bit of limerance again, but I hope it doesn't become a problem.
I gave my friend his birthday present. I hope he enjoyed it. He had a laugh. It was a funny gag gift. I'm glad he liked it enough.
While working, I couldn't help but think to myself, I enjoy this, but nothing can last forever. I am planning to leave in a couple years, and my coworkers beside me are most definitely not staying forever. These days are transient. The friends I make here will come and go.
That is, unless I find a partner to live life with.
I make a couple last commits to try and fix some component tests, and call it a day. I hop on the train and head back home.
The bike ride was a little hectic because of the Dodgers game today. Oracle Park is packed, and I couldn't wade through the crowds on an oversized e-bike.
When I got to my apartment I laid my stuff down exhausted. I sat in a goon haze again, staring at Chinese Douyin ladies doing their sexy dances with 1000x filters on.
I decided to eat dinner at a nearby ramen bar. I biked there and walked a bit. I accidently walked into the wrong alley and got stared at by some homeless people. It's a bit unsafe in San Francisco, that's for sure.
The ramen bar was good.
I went home, and picked up some packages. There was a couple on my same elevator. I entered. I asked them which floor.
"What are you going to eat for dinner?" She asked.
He replied, "Um I'm probably going to eat... [unintelligble]"
I thought to myself, what am I going to eat for dinner, or rather, how much longer can I be alone? Will someone ask me what I'm going to eat for dinner? Or will I always be the one asking others?
Am I just going to die alone?
Am I just going to die alone?
Am I just going to die alone?
The thoughts swallow me up.
The world is all that is the case.
I accept that one of these timelines I will die alone. It's true. It's possible.
Don't you feel scared?
I do.
Then do something about it!
Not if it's not my choice.
What do you mean?
I don't want to do something out of panic and desperation. I don't want to do something because I've been forced to. I want to do something simply because I want to.
You're already 25 years old, and you've never touched a woman! You don't know how to be a leader. You don't know how to lead a relationship. You don't know any of it, and you don't have any experience at 25 fucking years old! Isn't it time to panic now? You are growing old, you are growing decrepit, and you are running out of time.
There are people your age that have married and divorced already! They've been through it all, and they've lived a more thorough life than you have gooning to goddamn Douyin girls!
Yes, you're right. I am running out of time. I don't disagree with anything you say.
Then, then—
Right. But. I'm... I'm tired. I'm tired of not feeling relieved from conversation. I'm tired of catering to other people. I did it my whole life. For my school peers, for my parents, for my siblings, for my "friends," and for everyone I met, I just stepped on myself. And guess what? For it all, I never found my match.
This world is hard. This world is tough. And I am lonely.
All I've got is myself at this very moment. So I'm going to prioritize that. Is there something wrong with that?
But, your dream of finding love...
Sure. But reality doesn't always hold up, does it?
That's so sad...
Right, reality is often disappointing. The question is if you face it with dignity or without.
If I am going to die alone, then I ought to do it with a bang, right?
Why... these thoughts are so sad... how could you simply accept this...
Because it simply is the way it is.
.jpg)
But, take some responsibility for it! I mean surely you realize that everyone finds someone. Why haven't you? Well, it's got to be something of your fault!
Yeah. It is.
What is it then?
I don't know. And frankly, I don't think many people care.
What? Who cares if other people care. You need to figure out your life.
Then, I don't know. I don't know. People say I'm sweet. People say I'm lovely. I catch women looking my way all the time. I think I'm decent-looking. I act respectfully. I do stupid risky shit and make people laugh. The women I go on dates with like me enough, but after five dates it just gets boring and they leave.
Well that's a start. Maybe you could, be less boring to talk to. Open up. You know. Not be all that performative charismatic stuff.
But then nobody would like me.
I think that's your trauma speaking. Remember that past doesn't guarantee future?
True. But somatically I feel as if being true to myself would lead to trouble.
Wait, who gives a fuck?
Wait, who gives a fuck?
Dude, me and you know it. We know it. If you're alone, nothing fucking matters. The only thing that matters is the company of other people, and you don't have it.
And?
You need to get some sleep.
Very well. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.