Another Date
September 24th, 2025
I took PTO today to get my apartment ready. In the evening a date with L.
It was boring. I don't know how to make dates more fun, or conversations enjoyable.
She herself didn't really say much, or mention any enjoyable topic really. Just small talk. And dislike of the city. It's only the second date, but I don't really get it at all. Why do people like dating?
I wanted to enjoy a nice dinner for two. Somewhere you can't go by yourself. I didn't really enjoy the food. The conversation was awkward. I think its a mismatch.
Is it too early to call it? But to be honest I don't really feel that strongly towards her.
Maybe this is just my mind rejecting her in advance, before she rejects me. Maybe that's what's happening. I don't know. I just know I have more fun when I am alone on a bike or in the climbing gym.
Being closed off
I have deep emotional walls. I don't really let people in that easily. I don't like being rejected. I don't like being told I talk too much about myself. I don't like it.
That's the truth of it. So interacting with me is difficult. I don't open up. I don't talk about my day. I don't talk about my emotions. I never volunteer information. I ask about yours. I ask about what you're thinking about. I ask what you're feeling. I ask it all. But I never share what I'm feeling. When I do, it's usually met with boredom.
That's the real reason I'm writing on a Neocities blog about "how I truly feel."
I don't know how humans connect. That's the crux of it.
Walls
People tell me how much they connect with me, but I don't feel the same towards them. It's all a mask. A facade. You and me both know it.
My therapist said the mask at some point is real—it represents the part of myself that wants to not make others uncomfortable. And that part is very strong. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable by pushing boundaries. So, the weather is nice, isn't it?
To accept the mask is just a part of me. I know why I have it, and I won't re-iterate upon the past. That's behind, but the feelings remain.
Amor fati, they say.