An Overengineered Life
October 11, 2022
"The un-engineered life is not worth living." -some bitch in Eastern Europe
"Sigma male grindset hustle culture 5AM waking Jocko beast."
I cannot put into words, how much I fucking hate hustle culture. I feel like it's killed all the humanity and left some materialistic psycho in its place and self-justifies itself through a faith-based religion called "money."
But that's besides the point, in fact I'm arguing for an "engineered" way of life. You know, a purposeful, calculated, and dedicated pursuit of life such that it resembles very much the "sigma male grindset" I love making fun of.
the fucking sigma male grindset :sunglasses_emoji:
I used to wake up at 5AM and go run, lift, meditate, get sun, cultivate a network (net worth), socialize, and work at my career from dusk to dawn.
It felt depairingly empty though. It was lonely, I didn't really feel a genuine connection to the people I was around, and nobody really gave a shit or gave the validation I was seeking by going on my "super sigma grindset."
I guess it's because the reason I did these rituals is because everyone else on the internet was doing it as well, so I was seeking validation and spending my time similar to my peers instead of naturally gravitating towards the things I enjoy doing.
So yeah, don't go and wake up at 5AM if you don't need to.
However, I cannot deny the results I achieved during that "grindset." I felt my dopamine levels were much more even. I felt satisfied in a way, albeit completely unhappy, tired, and lonely, if that makes sense.
an un-engineered life
These past few months have been a blur. A productive one, but at the same time shockingly unproductive. More in touch with how I feel, but at the same time in a grey haze. Nowhere with the clarity I had during my sigma male grindset.
Those times I meditated and went on refreshing jogs. I was ridiculously young and present in my space-time. Now, I feel like everything is whirling past me and I can't even fucking keep up with what's happening NOW and at the moment.
I spend all my time watching YouTube videos about bullshit trivia and media I'll never recollect in my life. I watch videos of games I don't even play, or even play any video games at all. I'm completely out of control and am a slave to my emotions, which drive me to look at the nearest bright screen.
But I'm happy. Surprisingly. Definitely unsatisfied though, but I'm happy, like if I were in the matrix or something. It's not a bad reality, and I don't feel as lonely anymore. But, it is, just, so deeply unsatisfying and "unpresent."
There must be a middle-ground between "happiness" and "satisfaction."
the middle
Balancing between happiness and satisfaction.
Over-engineered fucking bullshit sigma grindset vs. Lazy loser TikTok/YouTube shorts addict bum
So what was good about the sigma grind? Meditation was a big one. I did enjoy waking up at 5AM and achieving things, I felt accomplished even if it's masturbatorial. I made my bed. Brushed my teeth and took care of myself. These rituals made me feel good and proud on the inside.
Lazy loser TikTok me is happy though, I burnout and get to do things that make me feel good, genuinely. Like, I'm kind of braindead but that's okay. It's okay to just bum out on YouTube shorts and bullshit just because.
But I'm starting to regret it. If I have a short amount of life to live, should I pick satisfying pain or a happy soul-death?
Perhaps satisfying pain is the way to go. But, prioritizing sleep over a dumb ritual.
Meditation is good. Running and lifting is good. But don't force yourself.
Do what'll make you feel good, not what you think will make you feel good.
Funnily enough, I've found more success not forcing myself to do things. Like this whole programming thing. I've put in 1/10th the effort here than during my pre-med/engineering days and I've found several orders of magnitude of success. Reminds me of the Tao Te Ching:
When you enlarge your mind and let go of it, When you relax your [qi 氣] vital breath and expand it, When your body is calm and unmoving: And you can maintain the One and discard the myriad disturbances. You will see profit and not be enticed by it, You will see harm and not be frightened by it. Relaxed and unwound, yet acutely sensitive, In solitude you delight in your own person. This is called "revolving the vital breath": Your thoughts and deeds seem heavenly.
I guess what this really means is... I feel like getting up at 5AM now. I don't feel forced to out of some sigma male gigamindset. I genuinely need more time to do my shit, and it feels good when I accomplish it.
What it means for you? Do what you want to do, not what everyone else wants you to do, or what you want to do because of what everyone else wants to do (it's the same thing.) You'll find more success adhering to wu wei and all that bullshit. It's the same theme they have in fucking High School Musical or those kids movies on Disney Channel: just be yourself.