An Interview
January 26th, 2025
Hi Lanhful, good to see you today!
Good to see you. How is everything?
They've never been better. I want to ask you a couple questions, particularly because, well, it's you, and we want to hear your thoughts about life at this point.
Sure, that sounds good.
Do you have a girlfriend?
No.
Why not?
I haven't found someone yet.
Okay, are you looking?
These questions are getting a bit personal?
Well, that's sort of the interview.
Yeah, I'm looking. I downloaded Hinge and people are sending me likes and messages. I set-up my profile to be a bit on the adventurous side, but I really don't know what I'm like honestly.
What do you mean by that?
I mean like, am I an adventurous person? Am I spontaneous? Do I go out and do things? Do I banter well? I don't know. I feel like a gloomy person just sitting in my room all the time. But at the same time, if I go outside too much, I'll burnout and feel tired. I can't spend too much time with others yet when I'm alone I'm miserable.
That sounds rather problematic, are there any steps you're taking to address that?
Yeah, I'm trying to get ahold of an in-person therapist, but it's been rather difficult. All the mental health facilities in this area have been overwhelmed by how many people are needing help.
How about friends? Do you have any friends since you've moved out, err, five months ago?
I'm friends with my coworkers. But now that I think about it there's only so much you can say to your coworkers. Though, I did enjoy learning how to interact with people normally. I recognize that I'm a bit deficient in some ways and charismatic in others.
What are you meaning by that?
Like, I mentioned to a friend that one girl I was messaging on Hinge seemed a bit gloomy, but that I'd be a good match since I was also gloomy. But he misunderstood and thought that my cheerfulness would counter-balance her gloominess, does that make sense? Like the way I treat other people is actually quite cheerful, and the way I treat myself is actually quite depressing.
Deficient and charismatic.
What are you going to do to address this?
I don't think this needs to be addressed actually. I think I need to know myself better. It's one of my goals for this year.
Goals?
Yeah, this year I want to be mentally - no, emotionally aware and emotionally accountable. I've lived too much of my life being emotionally numb and not knowing how I'm feeling.
What do you mean? Like, emotionally at fault? Are you going to be blaming yourself?
No, no more blaming. I don't judge like that anymore. It's not anyone's fault things are the way they are, but it's my responsibility to do something about it.
It's like that Mr. Roger's song, "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" Well, what do I do? Do I go and smoke cigarettes? Do I go to the gym? Do I drink until I blackout? Do I yell at random people on the street?
What do I do when I feel lonely? Do I go online and journal about it? Do I chat up random people on Omegle? Do I have sex with strangers? Do I shut myself in and cry a lonely life? Do I become a hikikomori?
What do I do when I feel sad? Do I tell someone? Do I cry in front of a therapist? Do I breakdown in tears in the car?
Or... do I ignore what I'm feeling, and then go emotionally numb and disconnect from the world? Do I start getting murderous urges because I feel nothing from the world?
Those are some strong words... so... you're not blaming yourself for your emotions? How about your parents who gave you those emotions?
I mean, sure, the causation of emotional rollercoastering has to do with parenthood to an extent. Sure. But I don't blame my parents. They had their own set of extenuating circumstances.
The way they raised us was to be emotionally numb, emotionally cold, and tired. Just to ignore our own feelings and to trod along to do whatever it takes to survive.
Sure, there is a big fault there, like, how about, how about knowing how to connect with other people? How about being able to strive through life not alone? I don't think mothers can really help in that department, if I'm going to be honest with you.
But, this is the baby left at my doorstep. These are the circumstances I am left with, and I must pick-up after myself. The baby is going to cry, and it's going to be a pain in the ass, and the emotions will keep welling up and sprouting out of nothing. It will keep happening. But ultimately, it's my responsibility.
That's what it means to be emotionally accountable. It's my problem, and I have to take the steps to address it.
Let's move on to the next question. What happened to your ambitions to be rich?
I have enough money for food and shelter. I realized that I didn't care about these things since I am currently alone. My life is meaningless, which is a bit of an issue itself.
What are you going to do about it?
Well, first, probably it's that I need to fix my inferiority complex. I feel disqualified as a human being, as I've mentioned before. This is one of my inherent emotions that I was gifted during childhood, and I carry it with me. It's almost a defining emotion in a way, a core memory so to say, but it's a painful one. I'd like to rid of it for once.
I want to treat myself as being a valid human being. That I have a right to be treated as a human being and to truly believe it.
I know that if I talk to myself like how I talk to other people, I would give myself so much compassion. I'd comfort myself, and I'd tell myself, "What a hard life you've lived."
I have lived a difficult life. It was hard. It was really, really hard. I hope that nobody has to experience that sort of pain and loneliness.
What made it hard? What do you not want other people to feel?
I don't want people to experience the feeling of not being loved. I don't want people to experience the feeling that nobody cares, or that if they make a sound they're annoying. I don't want anyone to feel like the oxygen they breathe is wasted.
I don't want people to experience being used for their body and then thrown away like trash. I don't want people to feel like they are of little value, and I don't want people to feel like they can't depend on anyone.
What made it hard? Probably the fact I couldn't rely on my parents. When I felt sad, when I felt lonely, when I felt suicidal, when I felt these things, I couldn't even raise my voice to tell them without feeling like a burden. Because to them I was a burden. I grew up not trusting my parents to respect my emotions.
When I was bullied and ostracized, when I was left out of the group and pushed into the dirt. When I was getting sexually assaulted. When I started to develop OCD, it felt like the whole world wanted to get rid of me. And I felt as if I couldn't tell a single soul.
It wasn't that the things I experienced was too much suffering, it really was because I was alone in it. I felt like I was the only one. I couldn't trust a single soul on this planet.
Other people shouldn't have to feel this. Other people should be able to feel their emotions and have people to confide in.
I have lived through an excrutiating amount of loneliness in my life, because of the mental cards I was dealt, telling me that I'm worthless of other people's time, and that I am disqualified as a human being to ask of it.
These cards that I am dealt were trash, they were awful, and they were tiring. I do not know how much longer I can keep up against such a life.
Disqualified as a human being?
Yeah, the feeling that you're not an equal human being as each other. That feeling. You internalize it. And I've internalized it. Probably why I'm so successful is because I work so hard to try to achieve what I consider "normal." I don't feel like a normal human.
I don't feel like I deserve happiness.
Who's to determine that though?
Nobody. Rationally, I am every bit human as anyone else. But I can't shake the feeling that I don't deserve happiness, does that make sense? It's the baby on the porch again.
What are you going to do with the baby?
I'm going to cry. The poor thing has suffered for so long, doesn't it deserve compassion? Don't I deserve compassion? Perhaps a good response to emotion is... compassion. Always.
Compassion... I guess we can move onto the next question. What's your greatest fear?
My greatest fear is that I'm not enough, and that I will never be enough. I don't feel good enough.
Do you have compassion for yourself regarding that?
I do. It's a common feeling. The baby on the porch, the child inside, treat them with compassion. The world is cruel enough.
Do you feel proud of yourself?
An hour ago, I would've said no. But at this hour, I would tell you yes.
By all means, the experiences I have, I should be in a ditch, homeless, or have k*lled myself by now. I would be dead in many timelines, or I would be addicted to drugs or alcohol to cope.
I am none of the above. I should be proud of that. In addition, I'm an engineer at top tech company, why the hell shouldn't I proud?
I should at least recognize my efforts and abilities. I should recognize my compassion and worth. I should see that among the people of this earth, that I am worth something.
I recognize the feelings I have, and I recognize my ability and limitations. I recognize my strengths, and my weaknesses.
I am starting to see who I am, and I am starting to realize the limits of my talent.
I amd starting to see who I am, and I am starting to see the boundless gains in my strengths to be had.
What makes you, you after all?
My inability to give up? My courage to face myself without drugs or alcohol?
"Men of courage face their fears, men of cowardice pretend no fear."