Allergies
September 25th, 2024
I went to the doctor, and they said I was allergic to California.
They pricked my back with 80 allergens, and it looks like I'm allergic to all of them. I can't step outside without triggering a reaction. I'm a prime patient for immunotherapy.
I will be starting in a couple weeks. Allergies are awful. I should've be dead to asthma at the age of three. And to boot, my depressive mood is directly correlated with it.
Triumph Bonneville
I'm planning a motorcycle trip across the United States. I don't have particularly any reason why. In fact I'm starting to think the whole idea of life is absurd.
I'm beginning to value the spaces of people that we create and organize ourselves in more. The contexts we put ourselves in are very special---and they give us the ability to escape or be absorbed by something greater. A library lets you read books. A church gives a holy feeling. And work stresses the hell out of you.
The mood and personalities of our individualities meshing together---that is what builds an organization.
I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm twenty-four, and I'm edging the end of my youth. It's a bit sad. All that ambition, where did it go?
The future, ambition, you can't keep doing this forever
My cowork---my friend now, since I'm not working with him---he asked me what my ambitions are. That, "I can't keep doing this forever." He was referring to the line of work I do, which is software engineering.
I feel his sentiment, because frankly I go to work and stress over bullshit tooling created by other developers that don't have proper edge cases and a good user experience. A lot of developers lack empathy, which is expected, but it's difficult to communicate and understand what's going on because they don't see things from my POV.
I guess it's my responsibility to ask for context and explanations. Though I get treated like an idiot for not getting it faster, which is a bit frustrating, but I guess that's the ego a lot of these developers have.
Go With the Flow
You know, I never forced myself to go towards this or that. Sure, I feel grit. Sure, I feel tired and morbid at times about the whole ordeal of living. But I've never forced or persuaded or driven towards one direction or another. I've always drifted towards one thing or another, letting myself go with what's called for me.
Whether that's a feeling, a set of words, an order or command, or something that guides me, I just follow it. I never really chose what I wanted to do with strong conviction against myself or my desires.
I want to ride a bike, and that's just a gut feeling. I'll go with that flow and ride it as long as I can.
Just go with the flow man. If you accept things as they come to you, you'll flow with it. As you accept the feelings you have and that they come to you, you'll flow right along.
Life will happen, will you?
One More Thing
I'm taking a road trip on my bike. I'll be travelling from San Francisco to New Haven.
I'll be asking on an esoteric imageboard about people along the trip I'll meet up with. I'll do it because life is already short and lonely enough, so you should take the chance to meet strangers on the internet.
I figure I'll ask here on the off chance you're readng this. If you want me to swing by, my email is lanhfullanhful AT gmail com. We can meet up for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It doesn't matter.