All the Things
January 4th, 2025
- Sushi with my cousins, where I learned I don't enjoy their conversation as much
- Lunch with my Connecticut friends D and F
- Pickleball with my cousin R and her boyfriend M
- Christmas celebrations with the extended family. White elephant and quiz shows
- Eating BBQ with my high school friends, then playing pickleball the week after
- My cousin R suggested that if she visited SF she'd contact me
- Going to the park with my aunt and her kids
- My cousin A brought her gay friend S to the family function, perhaps she thinks I am gay. I messaged her directly to clarify
- My cousin P asking for advice on dating
- Getting advice on dating from my aunt
- Going on a date with someone my aunt set me up with
- Ikea runs and Christmas shopping
- Texting C and E over the break, understanding and getting to know them better
- Setting up lunches and dinners for the first time
- Getting hit with the flu and staying home during New Years' 2026
- Confronting my dad on how nobody listens to what I have to say at home, and he invalidates me and says that it's my fault. I told him I don't need to give a reason to be listened to if people truly cared, but if they don't I found it okay too.
I don't have to justify myself for why I should be listened to if they cared, but my dad spun the story back on me saying it's my responsibility to make myself interesting enough to be listened to and remembered when we spend time as a family.
I realize why I don't talk to my parents much, they simply invalidate whatever my concerns are, or they say it's not a problem, or whatever. What is it? Invalidation, entitlement, empathy impairment, and gaslighting.
Sure, it's true. when my reality goes against theirs they don't like that at all. I realize it's not just my mother who is narcissistic, but my father too.
- Gaslighting
- Blame-shifting
- Invalidation
- Deflection
- Criticism and Insults
- Manipulative flattery
- Threats and Intimidation
- Isolation
- Withholding
- Triangulation
- Minimization of abuse
It's not that this is what's happened that's concerning, which it is, rightfully so, but it's more that the behaviour continues even when I visit. Conversations are just so one-sided, it's just that I am no longer beholden to sit there and take their berations whenever their ego is bruised.
Ah, it's more like, I feel like that they berated me whenever they felt hurt or upset instead of reflecting on their own feelings. I feel like they don't seem to care much for me after I decided not to stay with them over the holidays.
It's a bit tough, but ultimately it's for my best benefit to keep moving forward.
The power is here in the now, man is the room he is in, not who he was.
Spaces, not Systems
We build spaces for ourselves, that's where the imagination and creativity and progress we seek run wild.
Systems are prescriptive, they're hard-headed, and they are rigid structures that order agents within it to a set of behaviours.
Spaces give breath to entities within, they constrain with rules and structures, but allow for free movement within.
How do I build a satisfying space in my life?
Why do I spend so much time playing video games or idle doomscrolling?
I feel I do this to avoid my emotions. Today it's loneliness. But at the same time, it's peace. Peace and no obligation to anyone or anything.
Oftentimes addictions are one piece of a bigger puzzle, isn't it?
Recognize how I'm feeling. And why don't I do the things I want to do?
Perhaps I am lazy. Procrastination is a form of lying to myself. I'm probably not going to get this done today to be real with you. And I don't want to work hard anymore than I already am.