Acceptance
July 11th, 2022
I'm a nerdy guy. Quiet. Gets easily annoyed. Gets irritated by other people. Not easygoing. Stressed. Mellow. Hollow. And most of all, lonely.
That's probably the most undesirable combination of traits to have for a man. Like, if you asked a survey on fucking Family Feud on what men should NOT be in a relationship, I'd probably be all ten answers combined. It's pretty fucking gay to be like that, not going to lie. Honestly, if the average person met someone like that, they'd either think that's a jaded old boomer or a young edgy teenager guy that should kill themselves. "Stop being gay, really."
So in my life, I've modified my behavior and pretended to be someone else at work or school. I just pretend to be someone else and try to get people to like me. Kind of like, well, a people-pleaser.
I've always been hyper-sensitive to others. My mother would always criticize me for it. But it's something I was born with. Not something nurtured. If it were, I'd be fucking tone-death and feel nothing. I've been through too much shit for this shit to work. So I just fucking try to make everyone happy. To avoid the criticism. Because I take major offense to it. I'd skullfuck you if you said something mean to me. Not. I'd probably just cry like a little bitch boy and rant about it on the internet.
But sometimes I'll feel that nothing, quite often actually. But today isn't that day. I started to feel something again, like it's not the normal dullness and numbness.
Today I stopped pretending. I stopped pretending that I was happy or laughing or whatever the fuck I usually do. Today I pretended to be myself. I acted like I was myself.
I hadn't done that in two decades.
It turns out, my extended family hates my guts now. Honestly, I'm not surprised. I hate my own guts too. I don't think I'll make a good impression here. But it helps if you're naturally just a great person, if you've had good parents and a good environment and good genes. You know, had friends throughout schooling and when you were young. Chances are you'll probably be a cool person to spend time with.
I literally sound like a shitty incel. I get it.
Oh well. Who the fuck cares? I'm going to accept it as who I am. I am miserable. I am tired. I am hungry. I am laughing so hard at my shitty life. It's just a huge show, really.
The comedy I find in living day to day is actually pretty entertaining. People who don't have this, well, nevermind, they don't exist.
We're all just slaves to something at the end of the day. Herman Melville said that in Moby Dick. Except, I had to tell it to you in this gay ass way.
I think really, the main point about growing up is accepting who you are. Accepting who you were raised to be. Accepting who you were born to be. That's why you get so many assholes come out of hiding in your mid 20s or late 40s or late 60s or whenever the fuck people slowly grow up. Because the point is to just accept who you are, and you'll find your peace that way.
Who you are is who you are from day-to-day. It's how you feel exactly during that moment in time. And accepting it. Lots of men are taught to repress it, but I've learned that it just makes me want to get violent. Not exactly the best solution in my opinion.
Hyper-awareness seems to be the crucial theme in this post-modern gay hellhole. And perhaps we need to push forward through that post-truth era to the post-sincereness era where everyone can find peace in being the true asshole they are. Oh well. Fuck if I know anything, if I did I'd probably be ten feet under in a fucking funeral home. Send flowers to this fucker.
I don't really feel a need to type anymore. See you later.