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A Strange Day

February 15th, 2023

I'm feeling a little better. Maybe a bit glum. Had a dissociation episode for a few days there, apologies to myself.

My father has begun to show signs of depression. Maybe he's always been like this. But surely, his social isolation ever since taking on a full work-from-home job has not done him any favors. Plus the job abuses the hell out of him with that workload.

My only wish is that instead of reading self-help books, he'd believe in himself and go find a new job.

That, and for him to stop monologuing at me. How about genuinely asking how I am, instead of condescendingly lecturing me on how knowledgeable you are?

Newfound Freedom

I started being silent when my parents talk to me. I just can't be bothered to grey-rockingly agree with them anymore.

And, it's actually going pretty well. Turns out they enjoy talking to themselves than with someone who'd disagree with them. Well, it's not like they listened to what I'd say anyway.

A few more weeks until I move out.

Yeah, doing great here.

Elden Ring

After screaming in the bathroom, I found it within myself to play Elden Ring again. I hopped on PvP and had a blast.

I cosplayed of course, because it's fun.

It was when it hit me, doing these PvP duels had no significance whatsoever. There was no meaningful reward for winning the dual. No ELO ranking system. No badges I'd get. It's just me and the opponent in a game called Elden Ring dueling one another, with no way to communicate but built-in emotes.

It was the first time in a while I'd done something without a goal in mind. There was no point. I just did it because it was fun. That was such a relinquishing feeling.

  • When I surf Reddit, I'm looking for good content.
  • When I read HackerNews, I'm looking for content that'll make me "better."
  • When I wathc YouTube, I'm distracting myself from myself.
  • When I play online video games, I'm trying to achieve a rank.
  • When I play mindless video games, I'm trying to take my mind off of things and "relax."
  • When I talk to friends, I'm trying to fulfill my need for socialization and "get to know them."
  • When I read manga, I'm trying to finish the series to mark it off.
  • When I watch anime, I'm clearing my "to watch" list.

But... when I'm playing Elden Ring. I don't know. I'm just there.

It's a good feeling. Cheers.