A moment to be me
February 22nd, 2024
I had spent every waking moment thinking about work. Consequently my mental health declined without my awareness - I was thinking about work.
Then my coworkers asked me to spend time, and with any human relationship I engage in I went into people-pleasing. I never stopped to ask what I'm looking for in friendship, and if I even wanted to be friends.
They encouraged me to date. I did as they said, because I hadn't thought for myself once.
For the few months, I just spent time at home trying to relax. I hadn't even realized what was going on - I wasn't being me.
Even now, I'm still not exactly me
What is it that I actually want?
Fame? Understanding? Power? Control? Belonging? What am I running from, and don't ramble - think carefully about this.
These words, they are all things that people in the past have wanted. But suppose there didn't exist a word for what I wanted, then what phrase would I use?
What would it take for me to be happy? What is it that I have that makes me happy?
I want wise eyes that can see past my youth. I want wise eyes that can see past what society tells me to want.
I want wisdom so profound that I can transcend what everyone is telling me, and to forge my own path. I want knowledge knowing my way is right.
I want the wisdom to transcend emotion, the cognition to transcend cognition. I want to feel and yet know the feeling is transient. I want to experience and appreciate life with perspective of the long haul.
I want to see life as a journey, and to meander and feel the emotions to their fullest to see where the story ends. What is the narrative that'll be told? I want to see it to its end. Sure, I'll be twisted and turned, and my emotions will be twisted and turned too, but even within all that - I want to be given some peace.
That's what I want. I want to find peace.
When I first moved out
I remember an aunt asking me, "Are you lonely now that you moved out?"
My reply was, "It's actually quite nice, it's a lot quieter."
And so was my brother's reply.