A Chat
May 6th, 2026
I had a chat with C. About her life. About her direction. How she felt about things. Really. I could tell she put a perfect picture face in front of me. I could tell she stuffed her feelings down. I could tell that those edges she had sanded down and draped cloth over them before I could even lay my eyes on her.
I could tell I didn't see her full humanity, and today I did. She told me how much she was scared about her job, about losing me, about this and that. She told me about her dad, who's going through an intense bout of depression.
She told me about how she feels behind, and how she feels like life is just slipping by her.
I could tell she just scheduled her hair appointments and dentists appointments like nothing's the matter. It makes me feel as if this could go on forever—that forever she would keep working her boba job as a freeter.
I told her bluntly. I told her where is she going to go? What is she actually feeling? Where is she actually going? Where does she want to go? What does she want to do? Is she actually considering what would happen? What about applying in other cities? What about applying across the United States? What does she want, and when does she want it? What cities does she want to live in, and why?
What does she want from life?
I told her she needs to take initiative. She told me about her ex. About how he r*ped her. About how he broke up with her because she didn't take initiative. How she isn't going around doing things, about how she didn't have a car, and how she didn't want to do 60/40. How she wanted to do this and that and this and that.
How, she felt like he wanted this and that and he wanted this and that.
But I forgot to ask—what did she want from her ex? What did she want from him that he didn't give? And what is she looking for now? Kindness?
I do not know of it, but I don't understand it. What does she want from her life? What's the direction of her life? She keeps talking about other people, about her father, about C, about R, about L, but hell, what's her emotional landscape look like?
I said it bluntly to her, and she teared up. I think I scared her a little bit, it's tough love. I realize that I do have tough love. I am going to tell you the truth bluntly. I am not going to sugarcoat it.
What's going to happen? What the hell is going to happen? I don't know. But I needed to tell her my feelings and my thoughts, that I don't think this is sustainable, and the chances she gets a marketing job in the Bay Area is lower and lower. What's going to happen? Is she just going to work at the boba shop for the foreseeable future?
I want her to live her life the way she wants to, because, I love her.
My Mind
I think lately I realize that I have been losing my drive and ambition because I've been bottling up my thoughts and feelings. I am blunt. I am needy. I need these things done. Everytime I bottle up a feeling or emotion or thought, a part of me dies. I need to accept myself and all of it in true sense.
I am starting to resemble my mother. Shit just needs to get done, and I have a gravitation towards doing it bluntly.
In other words, I am like my mother.
Meaning
Money is value.
I suppose one of my life's purpose is to provide value to other people's lives.
But what kind of value? And what kind of purpose? I don't know.
I do know actually, I just for the most part don't want to admit the hard truth.
I want to provide value for the people around me—and I want to provide people to enrich their lives and well-being with the long-term in mind. I don't like supporting this dumb [redacted] thing I worked on.
My current job just doesn't provide that sort of value to humanity. I want to build systems that encourage people to, well, live well. You know?
I want people to be able to live healthy lives, and to live competitive lives. And to be happy in their competitive lives. I want the quality of life to rise, and I want people to be happy. But I realize that's not feasible either, look at middle class America—roof over their head, food in their bellies, yet, the digital addiction ruins sleep and ruins so many lives.
What am I to do? I want people to stop browsing their phones. I want people to look up and relate to one another. I want people to be able to stand up and build community, right from their phones.
Purpose
I want to observe the human condition, I want to write it down, and I want to process and move forward my own human condition, even if not a single person ever saw it.
"A respect of the human condition."